The (completely fake) 2013 NHL awards
Best Mullet, Scariest Man, Best Hockey Face and more!
Admit it. It's only been two days, but you're already sad. The Cup has been handed out, the champagne popped, and the rinks closed.
But fear not! To satisfy your hockey appetite for a few hours longer, here’s our first annual "Likely Non-Annual Fake Awards of the NHL Playoffs that Are Completely Made Up."
This article has been proven to help with Hockey Withdrawal symptoms. Enjoy!
The Aggressive Passive-Aggressive Award
Winner: John Tortorella
There really was no other real competition for this award, as Tortorella blew away the rest with his "He-Goes-or-I-Go" move of benching maligned star Rangers forward Brad Richards in an elimination game against Boston.
The award will be forwarded from New York to Tortorella's new address in Vancouver.
The Most Followed City Council Trophy
Winner: Glendale City Council
Oh, to be a fly in that Phoenix newsroom four years ago, when all the local reporters suddenly saw their Twitter followers balloon and their feeds bombarded with phrases like "hoser" and inquiries on Shane Doan's contract status.
And yes. You read that right. It's been four years since this wonderful little drama began. So in a sense we have a dynasty on our hands... except instead of winning championships, this dynasty keeps saying "Everything's fine!" while shoveling bundles of money into a burning fireplace.
Mulletest Mullet that ever Mulleted Award
Winner: Patrick Kane
And after he won the Conn Smythe Trophy, how can we fault his results with it?
Moustachiest Moustache that Ever Moustached Award
Winner: Jaromir Jagr
Since Kane cornered the mullet market, Jagr needed to do something different. And the world won.
Now that the season's over, Jagr will likely return to his summer profession of entering Russian wrestling competitions in order to grapple with bears.
Best Cybernetic Human Award
Winner: Gregory Campbell
Campbell blew it when he played that now-legendary shift on a "broken" leg. Because his cover is blown, and now we know the truth.
Only one question remains: was he sent back into our time to save the world? Or destroy it?
If anyone knows where Edward Furlong is, now's the time to — wait, he's in jail!? That's it, we're done for.
Best Underdog that Never Really Was An Underdog Award
Winner: Detroit Red Wings
Yeah, they may have barely scraped into the playoffs, and had a bit of roster turnover this season, but c'mon! The only people that were really saying the Detroit Red Wings were underdogs in the playoffs were the Detroit Red Wings, and even they didn't believe it.
Pushing the eventual Cup champions to overtime in Game 7 definitely didn't help their cause. Also, that whole 22 straight post-season appearances thing.
The Scariest Angry Man Award
Winner: Zdeno Chara
If you see this giant person skating at you meaning to cause you great bodily harm, and your first instinct isn't to climb the glass, run out of the arena, take the next taxi to the airport, and fly to Australia, you deserve whatever the NHL owners want to pay you.
The Albatross Award
Winner: Joe Thornton
No, Joe, it doesn't matter how many times you lead your team in scoring. They will still say silly words like "soft" and "underperformer" until they lose their attention and never mind a city councillor from Glendale just said something which included the word "fiscal" so that must be important.
Most Represented State/Province Award
Winner: With three entries, this hockey hotbed took the top prize of having the most cities in the Stanley Cup playoffs within a state or province.
Play the video below to reveal the winner. Imaginary bonus points if you actually know the movie the clip is from:
And now ponder the fact that California has almost half as many teams as Canada, and wonder if it's because the two words sound similar and someone got confused.
Most Forgotten Gaffe that Didn't Matter at All Award
Winner: Jonathan Quick
Remember when we all thought this giveaway on the first day of the Stanley Cup playoffs would have huge implications on the Kings and their first-round series against the Blues? We sure don't!
Either way, it didn't. Quick's Conn Smythe-like performance and a run to the conference final saw to that.
The 'Of Course They'd Hate Each Other' Award
Winner: Senators vs. Canadiens
Maybe it was Lars Eller being knocked into next season, maybe it was the fights involving enforcers such as Kyle Turris and Brendan Gallagher, maybe it had to do with a certain sea mammal with facial hair, but boy, there are going to be six very interesting games next season. Hope they bring gauze.
The Selective Amnesia Trophy
We’ve gone to great lengths to forget that period between October and December when NHL highlights comprised of the entire Canadian sports media standing on a New York City corner for 16 hours straight while everyone tried to explain what the hell "Make Whole" was.
The "I Don't Want to Be Here Anymore" Award
Winner: Maple Leaf Square, May 13
For obvious reasons. Watch the video for a refresher, or if you're a Leaf fan and you hate yourself.
The "This Can't Possibly Happen Twice in the Same Building" Award
Winner: TD Garden, May 13 and June 24
See previous entry, add Stanley Cup final, reverse outcome. Then slap your face to make sure you're not asleep on the couch.
The Best Hockey Face Award
Winner: Andrew Shaw
Until next season, NHL! And by next season, we mean three months! Unless you count training camp. In which case, two months.
Or the draft. In which case, three days.
Follow Brandon Hicks on Twitter @Hicksbcr.