Out in the Open

"Just try again": What not to say when someone tells you they've lost a pregnancy

Kristi Angus and Justin Mader share their story of “the worst thing that ever happened" to them... and some of the painful responses they got.
Some things you shouldn't say to someone after they've had a miscarriage.

Kristi Angus and Justin Mader consider the pregnancy loss they experienced at 23 weeks to be the worst thing that ever happened to them.

That pain was sharpened by some responses they received that minimized their grief, including: "Things happen for a reason," "Women have miscarriages all the time," "The next one is going to take," "You should have started trying while you were younger," and "God has a different plan for you."

"It was a very very difficult experience," Kristi says, "It wasn't just like having a bad period... I think a lot of people just assume losing a baby is like that." 

In those early days of grief, Kristi says: "People would look down at my belly and look up confused." No one knew what to say. Some friends just disappeared.

But, both Kristi and Justin say it helps them to talk about their loss and acknowledge what their daughter means to them.

They say there was even some joy and beauty amid the pain, like the way they were able to hold Emma for a few moments before they were forced to let her go.