Day 6·Satire

Amazon is here and there are going to be some changes

Washington Post humour columnist Alexandra Petri welcomes Amazon HQ2 to the neighbourhood.

'Do not ask where the pigeons have gone'

Amazon's second world headquarters will be split between New York City and Arlington, Virginia. (Lionel Bonaventure/AFP/Getty Images)

This week, Amazon chose New York City and Arlington, Virginia as the joint winners of its second world headquarters, but after a long competition, which pit city against city, many people came to view it as something less than a victory. 

Amazon is here! Well, half here

by Alexandra Petri, humour columnist for the Washington Post

First, do not be alarmed.

There was some fine print that we consented to in order to bring this half blessing upon us.

There will be some slight changes around here that you will barely notice.

For instance, no matter where you are in the city, if you say the word "Alexa," a disembodied voice will answer. Little things like that.

A pedestrian walks in the Crystal City area of Arlington, Virginia, U.S., on Tuesday, Nov. 13, 2018. Amazon.com Inc. will build new offices in New York City and Arlington, ending months of jockeying between potential locations across the country vying for a $5 billion investment that promises 50,000 high-paying jobs over almost two decades. (Andrew Harrer/Bloomberg via Getty Images)

That drilling you hear is Amazon, which has started construction on an underground train system for Amazon employees only.

It is called the Metro. Please no longer use this term to refer to D.C.'s current underground transit system as it belongs to Amazon now.

The Amazon metro system will actually run on time and will almost never be on fire. But on the flip side, every ad on it will be a little too targeted. 

You may also notice that there is a line in your grocery store for Prime members and sub-Prime members, which is how we are now contractually obligated to refer to people who are not Prime. 

Before having any firstborn, please check and make certain you do not have to give them to Jeff Bezos first.- Alexandra Petri

Do not ask where the pigeons have gone. The drone pigeons will be much better, we promise. 

You may notice that you have a 3.5 star rating now that does not go away. Pray that it does not drop below 3.5. 

You now have an Amazon locker. You're welcome.

It is possible, however unlikely, that you will receive a text message from an unknown number instructing you to release what is inside. You must comply. Do not worry, it will probably not happen.

Before having any firstborn, please check and make certain you do not have to give them to Jeff Bezos first.

Jeff Bezos, president and CEO of Amazon, speaks at the Economic Club of Washington DC's Milestone Celebration Dinner in September. (Joshua Roberts/Reuters)

Also, if the Amazon drones won't sail, we also are allowed to sacrifice your firstborn daughter to placate Apollo. But again, this is very unlikely. 

Also, maybe we should have led with this, but your town has been rebranded National Landing, a very chill and normal name.

Your name is now Amazon Echo.

I've been obliged to get a face tattoo of Jeff Bezos's face on my face, but I think it looks fine. 

We're so excited to have Amazon in our city!


Alexandra Petri is a humour columnist with the Washington Post. To hear more from her, download our podcast or click the 'Listen' button at the top of this page.

Comments

To encourage thoughtful and respectful conversations, first and last names will appear with each submission to CBC/Radio-Canada's online communities (except in children and youth-oriented communities). Pseudonyms will no longer be permitted.

By submitting a comment, you accept that CBC has the right to reproduce and publish that comment in whole or in part, in any manner CBC chooses. Please note that CBC does not endorse the opinions expressed in comments. Comments on this story are moderated according to our Submission Guidelines. Comments are welcome while open. We reserve the right to close comments at any time.

Become a CBC Member

Join the conversation  Create account

Already have an account?

now