Day 6·Satire

All the royal wedding thank-you notes Meghan and Harry wanted to send, but didn't

Day 6 satire columnist Aaron Hagey-MacKay imagines some of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's discarded first drafts.

"Dear Prince Philip and Queen Elizabeth ..."

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle attend a reception at the Palace of Holyroodhouse in Edinburgh, Scotland, on Feb. 13, 2018. (Andrew Milligan/WPA Pool/Getty Images)
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Thousands of people thronged the streets of Windsor this weekend in the hopes of catching a glimpse of Meghan Markle and her royal husband-to-be, Prince Harry.

For months, the royal wedding has been the talk of the Commonwealth. But for Harry and Meghan, the real business begins once the ceremony is over.

We're talking about the thank-you notes.

Anybody who has ever been to a wedding knows how agonizing it can be to write one of those letters, let alone 600 of them.

Resident Day 6 satire columnist Aaron Hagey-MacKay managed to get his hands on the original drafts of Harry and Meghan's thank-you notes.

Here are some of the notes they thought about sending, but didn't.


Dear Jessica and Ben Mulroney,

First, thank you for coming to the wedding, your kids were adorable. I respect you both for treating me like a real person, and not the idealized, benevolent, handsome wealthy super-being that I actually am.

Ben, I know you understand me. You too had to grow up in the shadow of your older brother, Brian Mulroney. Wait — that's your father?! Dear Lord!

Harry


Dear Thomas Markel,

Hey Dad, thanks for staging those photos for the paparazzi. Maybe next time we could have you save some puppies from a burning building, or make it look as though you can move objects with your mind.

Anything to prolong their generous, non-judgmental coverage, really.

Love, Meghan


Dear Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles,

Thanks for not making out the entire time, you crazy love birds.

Also, I hope it wasn't too awkward being seated at the reception with the exceptionally handsome James Hewitt.

You know: my real father!

Regards, Harry

James Hewitt was the former lover of Diana, Princess of Wales. (Steve Finn/Getty Images)

Dear Prince Philip and Queen Elizabeth,

Thank you for the lovely $40 gift card to Bed Bath and Beyond. That was really... nice.

And to Prince Philip, thanks for working on your prejudice. In time, I know you'll stop thinking of me as one of "those people" and come to love me despite the fact that I'm American.

Take care, Meghan


Dear Prince William and Duchess Kate,

Thank you for coming to the wedding, but thank you two most of all for pumping out a few spare heirs so I can avoid the throne!

Enjoy being king, bro! I'll just keep being the fun uncle, AKA the 'Prince with Spare Hair.'

Peace! Harry

Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge and Prince William, Duke of Cambridge.

To the members of the Suits cast who weren't invited,

You know what you did.

Never speak to me again.

Sincerely, Meghan "The Bloody Princess" Markle


If you'd like to hear the unsent letters read aloud, download our podcast or click the 'Listen' button at the top of this page.