Day 6

Obese polar bears, Mike Pence and more: Canadians' real, true, totally sincere wishes for 2018

Between the hurricanes and wildfires, the misogyny, political scandals and mass shootings, 2017 was a bit of a dumpster fire. So we asked our satire columnist Aaron Hagey-MacKay to compile some of Canada's sincerest wishes for the year ahead.
(Day 6)
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Let's face it: 2017 totally blew.

Between all the hurricanes and wildfires, misogyny and sexual harassment, political scandals and mass shootings, there weren't a lot of laughs to go around.

We'd like to change that in 2018 — so we asked our Day 6 satire columnist Aaron Hagey-MacKay to compile some of Canadians' deepest, sincerest wishes for the year ahead.

Here's what he claims he heard.    

               


What am I hoping for in 2018? I hope we can return to the days when a beloved male celebrity trending on Twitter just meant he was dead.

I truly hope that the severity of my New Years hangover wasn't an indication of the severity of 2018.

I hope 2018 is the year I figure out what the heck a bitcoin is.

This year, I hope Toronto and Vancouver are finally able to afford to move out of their parents' basements.

In 2018, I hope climate change creates even more powerful hurricanes, ones strong enough to put out all the wildfires.

In 2018, I hope the games in Pyeongchang don't turn into the nuclear Winter Olympics.

This year, I hope Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump resolve their differences and figure out how much they have in common, like bad hair and crippling daddy issues.

My biggest hope for 2018 is that Mike Pence does a better job as president.

In 2018, I hope someone posts a viral video of a morbidly obese polar bear.

I just hope Trudeau doesn't accidentally sell all of Canada in exchange for one of those tricky Chinese finger traps.

When they legalize pot, I hope that will finally make it cool.

My biggest wish for 2018 is that Finance Minister Bill Morneau puts all his money in a trust. And then gives that trust to me.

I hope this year Parliament spends just as much money to celebrate Canada 151.

My biggest hope for 2018? I hope the Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women inquiry happens — but, like, for real this time.

I hope 2018 is the year CBC's As It Happens makes a pun so powerful, it changes the world forever

I hope 2018 is the year they figure out a way to make me live forever with CRISPR's gene editing technology — but only after they fix everything else in the world first.

Honestly? All I'm really hoping for this year is that I get used to this awful feeling of dread.

                    


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