The 4th year virgin

Getting adjusted to college life is no easy feat. The pressure of fitting in and finding your feet during first year is huge. One of the biggest roadblocks to acceptance, strangely enough, is sex. Hear how Phil Leung's quest to lose his virginity led to a search for self-confidence.
Listen to the full episode27:29


Getting adjusted to life on campus is no easy feat for anyone. The pressure of fitting in and finding your feet during first year is huge. One of the biggest roadblocks to acceptance is, strangely enough, sex. If you're not getting any, you're an outcast. On college campuses, the stigma against virgins is real. Just ask Phil Leung, a fourth-year business student who just couldn't get laid no matter how hard he tried.

When I saw the confidence of men who have been laid and they wear like a badge of honor, to me I wanted to be part of that club so badly.

It doesn't help that he got into the game late, either. Growing up as a Chinese-Canadian kid with strong ties to the church, sex wasn't just off his radar, it was taboo. 

The church 

When Phil immigrated to Canada from Hong Kong, his family found a sense of community by joining a Christian church in Toronto. It was a huge part of his upbringing.

"... they're all dudes by the way, because we're academically gifted but we are socially inept.. that we don't know how to talk to girls. And if we did, they would be within the church. And if it's at the church, then you know that relationship is extremely platonic," Phil recalls. 

As he grew older, he wanted to reinvent himself. He left home for university, and began distancing himself from the church. He went on a mission to break out of his shell - make new friends, hook up with girls, and eventually, lose his virginity.


Once Phil settled into his dorm room, he quickly became friends with everyone on his floor. And one day, while he was playing video games, one of those friends named Craig began to boisterously tell Phil about his sexual escapades. Phil had no response, and admitted that he was a virgin. Craig proceeded to publicly humiliate Phil by calling everyone on the floor into the dorm room.

"It was like my nightmares have been exponentially blown out of control. It was having somebody telling my entire floor about my dirty little secret and now I'm being judged and being known that I'm inferior to those on my floor." 

But the ridicule didn't end there. His friends constantly reminded him of his v-card. And for his 19th birthday, they took him to a strip club, threw him onto the stage, where a stripper ripped off his clothes, and humiliated him. 

To make matters worse, she pulled out his belt, and whipped him 19 times, for his 19th birthday. It was the most shameful and embarrassing thing that ever happened to Phil. But it motivated him even further to try and prove to his friends that he fit in, and he belonged in the group, beyond being that token Asian guy.

Ashamed of his race

He wanted to be more like the guys he hung out with. So he shaved his head, hit the gym hard, and started going to clubs more. While all his friends had no problems hooking up with girls, Phil was constantly rejected. He often walked home from the club alone, wondering why no one wanted him. More importantly, he felt abandoned and unaccepted by his own friends.

"...knowing that when I go to bed all my friends are still having a good time. And here I am alone by myself in my bed and nobody accepts me for who I am." 

He concluded that no one wanted him because he was Asian. He became ashamed of his Chinese background, and thought life would be much better as a white man.

"I would imagine how easy my life would be, how all these insecurities would finally be filled, if I was white."

Losing his virginity

After four long years of coming up empty, Phil wanted to escape Toronto. So he went on an exchange program in London, England. But this time around, he wasn't even trying to get laid. Instead, he simply wanted to learn how to talk to women, " how do I get along with them? How do I understand them. Who are they?"

During his time there, he mustered up the courage to ask out a girl that he really liked. She agreed, and they went out for dinner. Afterwards, she wanted to go back to Phil's dorm room to watch a movie. And that's when things got heated. She began kissing his neck…

It was like cannons were exploding in my head. I couldn't believe this girl was kissing my neck. I was shivering. I mean just shivering. My body couldn't handle the sensation…

From there, Phil realized that this was it. This was his opportunity to finally get laid. "And so immediately I turned around and I grabbed her, and I smothered her with kisses because I didn't know where to kiss her." he remembers.

Finally, he had lost his virginity. And when it was all over, he couldn't he happier. He said with glee, "After the orgasm, there was this sense of accomplishment, a sense that I have made it into the club, that I'm finally a man, and that I could finally talk with confidence that I have been laid." It was a huge relief for Phil.

EXTRA | After that night, Phil was head over heels in love. He was about to experience his first Valentine's Day just a few weeks after losing his virginity to Amelia. He had his rose, his card, and his heart on his sleeve. But he soon found out that he wasn't the only one.

Although it was difficult for Phil to swallow the idea that losing his virginity to a woman didn't equate to being in a mutually exclusive relationship, he eventually realized what he was missing all those years - confidence. And when he found that, he was finally comfortable being himself. 

Phil is now happily engaged to the love of his life - and race has nothing to do with it.  "She would ask me, 'Would you have dated me if I was Chinese?' And at the end of the day, I would say, 'I would have dated you regardless of what race you were,' as long as she's still her."