Chapter 16: Sidelines
So, here is the rest of the Revival story and how he vanishes and why, and why it doesn't matter all that much to me because I'm ready for the real deal. Since The Bomb, my life had been directionless, if I looked to the future it was nothing but a vanishing point. Endless movement toward a horizon I'd never reach.
But at the end of this vignette, you hear how I'm getting tired of the unknown, the ones and dones, the hustle. I'm ready to hold hands in public and have someone call me a walking bonfire.
If I exist, he must exist too. Cross your fingers for me.
I stole and re-purposed this line from something someone said to me at this point in time, which was mid-2013. That someone is the wonderful and talented Britt Wray. One day I was talking and crying to her about it all, she said to me "Listen, if you exist, he exists." It was such a comforting thought and that's why it pops up quite a bit this season. ALSO, Britt said I could steal it.
This was five years ago, before she published her amazing book, Rise of the Necrofauna, which is EVERYWHERE now. It's a book about de-extinction. I mean, she is literally an expert on existence now! Haha!
This is one of several moments where "The Divorce" is part of the narrative. That's because the divorce process in Ontario (maybe everywhere?) is weird.
First you fill out some papers and mail them in. Then, months later you need a dial-a-lawyer so you can sign an affidavit. You never see them again, and many months pass. Then you get a notice of divorce in the mail and it tells you you will be divorced soon, but not yet, SOON, on a certain date. And then that date comes and it's like Huh, guess I'm divorced now.
Well that's how it was for us anyway, since we didn't go to court. We settled everything ourselves without acrimony, right after The Bomb. We got collaborative lawyers. Which I recommend highly to anyone. Collaborative law is the best thing ever, you still retain your own lawyer but you all work together in a room, not a courtroom. You save so much money, but more importantly so much strife by agreeing to work together.
Anyway, this vignette about signing the divorce papers and then having an insane conversation about having more children together … GAH. I took it out of this season originally, to be honest. Then we put it back in. Then I considered taking it out again.
I think in the end, it was a good decision to keep it in. It shows how complicated relationships can be. It shows how conversations can be understood and felt so differently for different people. How delicate we can sometimes be beneath our tough exteriors, how insensitive we can sometimes be without even realizing it — everything.
At least you damned him to hell, right?
Uh … no? Not really, not ever. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!
Here we have my friend from Italy, the one I call My Anchor, who I visited at the end of Season 1, in Chapter 10: Forza (which is in July 2012 in the chronology.)
In this vignette, called Too Canadian she is visiting me in July 2013.
And we are talking like we always do, about a million different things at once — revenge, prayers, curses, Italians, Canadians, what happens when Italian people have affairs, etc.
We also discussed the next three meals we were going to eat and the many ways our parents annoyed us. We can pack a lot into one conversation, okay?
A (not so) sure thing
This vignette always brings the song Sure Thing by Miguel into my head. It was actually Hot Actor who introduced me to Miguel, and then I became obsessed with his music.
Fun fact: Miguel himself was 26 at the time this song came out. Which makes him the same age as all The Babies I was dating. Haha! Heh.
I LOVE this song, but lyrically it is the opposite of the sentiment of this vignette by the same name. Sure Thing the song is all about commitment, and my vignette — yeah, not so much.
This vignette is a perfect snapshot of the single life. This is what so many people think is so great? Sitting around in sexy underwear waiting for someone who may or may not bail on you last minute? No thanks.
I would trade every exciting thing about being single to sit around in track pants (with sexy stuff underneath don't get me wrong) just hanging out with the same person night after night. I think commitment is the sexiest thing.