Why Are My Kids Mad at Me This Time? (A Handy Infographic)

Oct 20, 2016

It’s hard to figure out what you’ve done to make your perfect little angel children so displeased. Here’s a handy infograph to help you along, you monster.

An illustrated version of the flow chart.

Then, one blessed day, they’ll have a child — Hallelujah! They’ll discover first hand how insane children can be and that you did your best. Oh, they’ll never say it to your face. Just know they’ll go through the same thing (or worse) when they have little hellions of their own. And you can sit back and laugh and laugh and laugh. Ah, the Circle of Life.

Why Are Your Kids Mad at You This Time?

6 months to 1 year of age:

  • You’ve stopped them from putting the cat’s food/litter/tail in their mouth.
  • You’ve cut their razor-sharp wolverine-esque fingernails which they believe has maimed them forever.
  • Their toy has fallen from the high chair and it’s fairly obvious you had something to do with it.

1 – 2 years of age:

  • You're making them get in the car/you're making them get out of the car/you won’t let them drive the car.
  • Their toast is too toasted.
  • You won’t let them have a sip of your coffee/wine/cough syrup.
  • You won’t let them drink out of the bird feeder.
  • You sang a song they don’t know.

2 – 3 years of age:

  • You forced them to wear clothing in public.
  • You wouldn’t let them play with the axe in the basement.
  • You didn’t use your psychic ability to figure out they wanted hot chocolate, not chocolate milk.
  • You’ve selfishly denied them ice cream for breakfast.
  • You wouldn’t let them continue drawing on the couch with your lipstick.

3 – 4 years of age:

  • You've left them at daycare/you're taking them home from daycare/you said the word “daycare”.
  • You told them they can’t have two birthdays.
  • Their peas touched their chicken on their dinner plate.
  • You took away a lighter when you caught them trying to set the cat on fire.

4 – 6 years of age:

  • You pressed the button on the elevator before they could.
  • You took away their video game at a funeral.
  • You talked to a friend you bumped into for more than thirty seconds.
  • You’re charging the iPad so they can’t use it.
  • Their sibling keeps looking at them and you won’t make it stop.
  • Their brother/sister got the last piece of gum.

6 – 8 years of age:

  • You “always” tell them what to do and “never” let them do anything fun.
  • You won’t let them watch The Shining.
  • You won’t let them have their own phone/iPad/computer/small horse.
  • You tricked them into eating vegetables by hiding zucchini in a chocolate cake.

8 – 10 years of age:

  • You didn’t buy the right cereal for breakfast.
  • You made them wear a helmet when they bike.
  • You saved their life when they were about to walk into traffic without looking.
  • You wouldn’t give them their allowance when they didn’t do their chores.

10 – 12 years of age:

  • After two hours on the iPad, you took it away so they can do homework.
  • You bought them a video game that was popular six months ago, you idiot!
  • You unfairly let an older sibling stay out later than them.
  • You won’t buy them a canoe for their birthday, even though you live nowhere near a lake.

12 – 13 years of age:

  • You embarrassed them in front of their friends by speaking directly to them.
  • You spoke to them during their TV show.
  • You asked them to clean their room… or clean anything.
  • You returned the guitar you were renting that they never played or practiced on.
  • You asked them how school was.

13 - 19 years of age (or later):

  • Six or more years of the silent treatment for talking to them or doing things around them. Basically existing. You can’t win. Don’t even try. Godspeed, my friend.
Article Author Jen Goodhue
Jen Goodhue

Jennifer Goodhue is a performer/writer in Toronto. As part of a stellar ensemble, she wrote and performed in five Second City MainStage revues. She co-starred in CTV’s Comedy Inc. for five seasons and has written for several television shows such as This Hour Has 22 Minutes, Stroumboulopoulos Tonight and YTV’s That’s So Weird. As a member of Comedy Inc. she was nominated for a Gemini Award and has won three Canadian Comedy Awards for her work with The Second City and Monkey Toast: The Improvised Talk Show.

She’s currently a staff writer for the much anticipated comedy Baroness Von Sketch Show on CBC. She continues to teach writing at The Second City Training Centre and perform in various impov shows around Toronto.

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