The Lazy Adult’s Guide to Last-Minute No-Effort Costumes

Oct 25, 2016

Halloween is just around the corner. Kids are getting ready for that special night where they run from house to house, fuelled by chips, candies and the youthful exuberance of individuals who have not yet entered the work force. But what are you gonna wear? If you’re a super-organized parent who’s been planning for Halloween for weeks, please avert your eyes. This article is not for you. But if you’re someone who likes to leave things to the last minute (me) or is incredibly lazy (also me), here are a few suggestions on some last minute halloween costumes you can make in under five minutes or less. Mostly less.

Sarcastic Echo

This costume couldn’t be any easier. Whenever anyone makes a comment or asks a question, repeat verbatim what they've said in a sarcastic tone. For example, when another parent asks “What are you supposed to be dressed as?”,  give them a look and respond with “What are YOU supposed to be dressed as?” Not only will it shame the other parent, but it’s guaranteed no one will want to talk to you for the rest of the night. Not even your kids. This costume is also called “Teenager”.

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A “Like" from Facebook

Again, this outfit is very low maintenance. Follow your kids from door to door.  Each time your child leaves a house after receiving goodies,  yell out “LIKE!” and stick your thumb in the air. This is sure to embarrass them and hopefully next year they’ll insist you stay at home for Halloween.  As an added bonus, you can “Poke” your kids when they’re dawdling. "Pick up your feet, kiddo - I’ve gotta watch the last episode of Stranger Things".

Each time your child leaves a house after receiving goodies,  yell out “LIKE!” and stick your thumb in the air.

Uber Driver

You don’t even need to get out of your car for this one. Just slowly trail behind your kids in your toasty warm vehicle as they freeze their butts off running from house to house. Every once in a while, offer them some bottled water or gum.  Make sure you have your Google maps tracking your every move until you reach your final destination. Not only can your kids rate their experience but you can rate yours as well. Insist on some of their candy as payment. (Like you weren’t going to raid their loot bag when they went to bed anyways.)

Canvasser on the Street

This requires you to secure a binder of some sort but I’m sure it won’t be missed from the stationary closet. Make up a charity such as “Rescuing Small Dogs from Purses” or “Kids Without Phones”. As other parents walk by, ask them if they have a moment to talk to you. Show them your binder and explain to them what a great cause they’d be donating to. One of two things will happen:

  • Everyone will ignore you and cross the street just to get away from you.
  • Someone will actually give you money.

Both are a win win, especially option two. Brand new Vitamix off Amazon Prime? Yes please.

Hold Music

Have you ever had a song stuck in your head? Well, now everyone around you will know that feeling! Pick a song you know all or even just some of the words to. When someone asks what you’re dressed as, let them know that their call is important to you and to please wait for the next available operator. Also remind them that this conversation is being recorded for training purposes.

When someone asks what you’re dressed as, let them know that their call is important to you and to please wait for the next available operator.

Then belt out a few lines from your favourite song. Don’t worry if you forget the words. Just remind them once again that the next available operator will be with them soon and start the song all over again. N.B. Be prepared to have that song in your head for the next week and/or until the end of time.

Remember: Halloween isn’t just for your kids, it’s for you too. And what’s more fun than embarrassing your offspring? After all, they’ll need something to talk to their therapist about in twenty years. Make some memories that’ll last a lifetime. Happy Halloween!!

Article Author Jen Goodhue
Jen Goodhue

Jennifer Goodhue is a performer/writer in Toronto. As part of a stellar ensemble, she wrote and performed in five Second City MainStage revues. She co-starred in CTV’s Comedy Inc. for five seasons and has written for several television shows such as This Hour Has 22 Minutes, Stroumboulopoulos Tonight and YTV’s That’s So Weird. As a member of Comedy Inc. she was nominated for a Gemini Award and has won three Canadian Comedy Awards for her work with The Second City and Monkey Toast: The Improvised Talk Show.

She’s currently a staff writer for the much anticipated comedy Baroness Von Sketch Show on CBC. She continues to teach writing at The Second City Training Centre and perform in various impov shows around Toronto.

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