The Back-To-School Boot Camp Everyone Needs

Aug 26, 2016

Listen up parents! Have your kids gone summer soft? Are they sleeping in, watching TV, and generally enjoying these fleeting carefree days?

Well, no more! School is just around the corner and it's time to get your sluggish scholars in back-to-school shape. Follow these drills and they’ll be fit to hit the books in no time flat:

1. Do Dry Runs to School.

Summer holidays may still be here, but that’s no reason to let kids sleep in. Wake them up early in the morning by shouting "YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE!". Then load them up into the car and do a test drive to school. Do a rep everyday until you feel they’ve regained their morning edge.

2. Play the National Anthem at Breakfast.

Make sure you play this iconic tune every morning before breakfast. Use a crackly sounding recording for a more authentic effect. When you are done, take attendance before they start their day.

3. Have them line up for lunch.

Make sure your kids stand in line at lunchtime. Add a tray and a not-so-tasty meal for even greater effect. Lineups are just part of school life so now is the time to get them back into the habit. Line them up for just about anything — like entering and exiting the house, getting a drink, even using the bathroom.

4. Conduct random lice checks.

Right about now your local lice population is famished and eagerly awaiting the opportunity to shack up in a sassy new haircut. Now's the time to get children ready for indiscriminate searches for infestation by inviting strangers over to pick through their hair with a nit comb.

5. Communicate through a loud speaker.

Until your kids return to school, communicate with them by loud speaker. If they are playing outside and you want them inside, go out and shout, “Please report to the kitchen.” For best results, mumble so they can’t understand a word you say.

6. Make them wear fall clothes.

Sure it’s still hot outside. But haven't your kids become just a little too complacent playing in comfortable t-shirts, shorts, and sandals? Now is the to time to get them back into those itchy turtleneck sweaters, heavy cords, and thick boots you bought them for back to school. But remember to apply sunscreen. It's still summer after all.

For Best Results: Run through this circuit every day between now and the first day of school. Your kids will be in back-to-school shape in no time. They may complain, but will ultimately thank you for getting them ready for deployment to the trenches of grade school. Dismissed!

The complete back-to-school boot camp circuit.

Article Author Laura Mullin
Laura Mullin

Read more from Laura here.

Laura Mullin is a published playwright and writer and the Co-Artistic Director of the award-winning company, Expect Theatre. She is also the Co-Host and Producer of PlayME, a podcast that transforms plays into audio dramas now on CBC. She has worked in theatre, film, and television and lives in Toronto with her writer/producer husband and pre-teen daughter. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram @expectlaura.

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