Do We Put More Pressure On Only Kids?
BY LAURA MULLIN
Photo © artranq/123RF
Aug 30, 2018
“Can you please comb your hair?” My kid shoots me a look as if to say — get off my back, mom. We’re late, it’s the fifth time I’ve asked her and I’m starting to lose my cool. Sometimes my daughter will spend an hour in the bathroom working on her hair; sometimes she won’t brush it for days. Today is the latter, which sucks because we have an annual family party to attend.
There are times when I wonder if I put too much pressure on her because she’s my only kid.
Confession: I want my kid to look her best, or at least not like she was raised by wolves, when visiting family she hasn’t seen for a year. Come to think of it, I’d also like her to say please and thank you, make cordial conversation and eat with a fork. While I’m at it, I wouldn’t mind if she got straight As, was athlete of the year, became a devoted humanitarian and grew up to be wildly successful in any career she decides to pursue. Too much? A mother can dream.
There are times when I wonder if I put too much pressure on her because she’s my only kid. I mean let’s be honest here, she is the very vessel that carries all my hopes and dreams for the future. I can’t help it. There are things I want for her and I’m curious if she feels the weight.
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Growing up with a brother gave me a certain sense of balance. If he was messy, I was at least never quite as gross. If I was mouthy, he would churn up the charm. We were yin to the other’s yang. I’m pretty sure my mom and dad were certain one of us would turn out OK, even if the question of which one was a constant moving target.
I’ve worried before that being an only child might be lonely for my daughter. But now I wonder if it’s oppressive at times. She has no other siblings to share the glare of my maternal gaze.
However, I can’t help but notice that no matter how many times I ask my kid to comb her hair, she doesn’t. If she is sensing any undue burden by being my one and only, she isn’t letting on. Instead, she seems to be pretty self-assured in most aspects of her life. More than I ever was at her age.
And that seems to be the case for many “onlies.” According to research, single children tend to get better grades, are more goal oriented and even have better relationships with their parents than children with siblings. And it doesn’t seem to be because they feel pressure to do so. Instead they are comfortable around adults and don’t feel competitive with other kids in the family.
That’s not to say there aren’t downsides, or that single children are better off than kids with siblings. But it does make me feel better to know there are some positive outcomes. And there are some good examples of successful singletons to prove that theory such as Alicia Keys, Carol Burnett, Eleanor Roosevelt, Leonardo Da Vinci and Gandhi to name a few.
So, do parents with only children put more pressure on their kids? I’m going to say probably. But luckily for mine anyway, she doesn’t seem to care.
And she never did comb her hair.