A pregnant woman sitting in a nursery beside a crib


We Planned For a Child, But I Changed My Mind — Just A Little Late

Jan 28, 2021

Don’t take that title the wrong way. I am more than happy and excited to have my son. I’m just here to share my story, and to let anyone know: if you’ve been through this, you aren’t alone.

In December of 2019, I miscarried. I was devastated, but I’ve been through the motions, and I have coped. But I still get sad. Sometimes I'll wonder who they would’ve been. In my heart, I feel like she was a girl.

For the longest time, I felt like a had a hole in my chest. I felt like I was missing something. Like my life was a puzzle and I was missing just one last piece to complete it. When I felt ready, and like I had finally come up to breathe from the humongous wave of grief, we decided we would try to have another baby.

Sabrina had her first child at 15, but as she writes, that doesn't make her any less of a mother.

I stopped taking my pill. I downloaded a calendar to keep track of my period, my ovulation cycle and when we would “try." We had only been trying for a couple of weeks, and when I saw I was getting closer and closer to my ovulation date, I started to get scared. I started to feel like what I was doing was wrong.

So we stopped trying, until May 4. On that day, we tried just once, and after that I spoke to my boyfriend. I said I was having doubts, and that I liked my life the way it was. I knew I was feeling grief and even a little empty, but that having a baby wasn’t what I needed to feel whole again. He agreed. We figured that one time wouldn’t have gotten me pregnant, so I took my first birth control pill that day. And we didn’t have sex for a week or two afterwards. To be safe.

"I felt a million different ways. Happy, scared, guilty, excited. My whole body just felt heavy and light at the same time."

Two weeks later I was cleaning our bathroom and found a pregnancy test. I’m not sure what exactly made me take it. I honestly thought it would come out negative, but I decided to take it anyway. It couldn’t hurt. If anything, it would reassure me. Not two minutes later I saw: "Pregnant 1-2 weeks."

I wasn’t sure how to feel. There was obviously a chance I could be pregnant, but I didn’t think having sex just once, on the first day of my ovulation cycle, the first day I took a birth control pill, would be the day that I got pregnant. But there I was.

I felt a million different ways. Happy, scared, guilty, excited. My whole body just felt heavy and light at the same time. I was scared I would miscarry, I was happy I had another chance at growing a baby and I felt terrified, though I wasn't sure about what exactly.

I stayed terrified for months. I felt like I couldn’t connect to my baby. Or maybe I wouldn’t let myself because if I didn’t get too excited, maybe I wouldn’t be so sad if something happened.

"Your life isn’t over because you’re a teen mom": Sabrina spoke to three women who had been teen moms about their experiences. Read what they shared here.

If I’m being completely honest, part of me was filled with regret. When people would congratulate me and say things like “you must be so excited,” I'd smile and nod along without feeling it. Part of me didn’t want this for us. And as terrible as I feel saying that now, it’s the truth. That’s how I felt. Not anymore, but at first.

"And once I saw his face, all that doubt went away. A whole new set of feelings came, including some new fears."

Looking back, I couldn’t imagine being less excited and happy, but there was a sliver of doubt that lingered. I think that’s normal. And once I saw his face, all that doubt went away. A whole new set of feelings came, including some new fears. And that’s OK.

Having a child is scary no matter what. And I don’t think I need to feel guilty for feeling anything besides pure happiness. That’s just silly, and completely unrealistic. During pregnancy, my body goes through a lot, our lives as a family are going to change in every aspect, and there shouldn't be an expectation to take it all with a smile.

Although my pregnancy came with complications, although I second guessed myself, although at one point regretted it — I can take comfort in knowing it all worked out. I got pregnant. Quickly. I stayed pregnant. I didn't lose this baby, and although it took me a little while to connect with him, it eventually came.

I feel sad that I regretted this pregnancy, but I won't feel guilt. And I don’t think anyone else should either. I’m happy now. I’m grateful now. And I’m not going to apologize for not being happy my entire pregnancy. 

It was all worth it in the end. Now I have a beautiful little boy, and I get to hold him in my arms.

Article Author Sabrina Boileau
Sabrina Boileau

Read more from Sabrina here.

Sabrina is a student, worker and full-time mother of a beautiful daughter and son, Charlie and Harrison, whom she loves more than anything. When she isn’t hopelessly trying to match socks, Sabrina is a freelance writer, who hopes to get a degree in journalism, and one day become a published author.

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