Nfld. & Labrador·Satire

The salmon diaries: Notes from a particular cabinet minister's journal

From weird calls and pink froth — to the nuisances at the Ceeb — columnist Edward Riche imagines what a provincial minister's diary entries might've said of late.

In this satirical take, Edward Riche imagines what one politician might commit to his journal

(CBC)

Monday, Sept. 2

Dear Diary,

Weird call from the fish farm.

Appears a few salmon have gone belly up. Poached in their pens is the word. That's some hot water I'd like to stay out of. Once Dwight is gone and I'm premier first thing I'm doing is making Andrew Parsons minister of fisheries.

Thursday, Sept. 26

Back in St. John's from the district. It was easier flying back and forth to Ottawa than driving that highway. Eddie Joyce passed me just east of Gander doing around 160.

Maniac.

Tuesday, Oct. 1

Team Trudeau don't grasp the gritty realities of trade and commerce like we did.

I keep waiting for Justin to peel off a mask and reveal he was Niki Ashton all along. Why would they phase out salmon farming in British Columbia just when wild Pacific salmon stocks are disappearing? We'll take that action in Newfoundland, thank you very much. I'm calling the media and announcing we are surrounded by water and open for business.

Monday, Oct. 7

These leaders' debates are so pointless. If no one fumbles badly then it's a wash. Jagmeet exceeded expectations so I'd probably give it to him. A turban can be fetching but I don't think it's a look I could carry.

Max Bernier, what a loon.

(CBC)

Tuesday, Oct. 8

On The Broadcast again. I don't think Jane Adey likes me. Why all these hostile questions? 

Aquaculture is a no-brainer here. What else are you going to do in Belleoram — aerospace? Has anything land-based ever worked in Newfoundland and Labrador?

People are always going on and on about Norway, how the Norwegians get it right everywhere we get it wrong, but a Norwegian company comes over here and it's "Why aren't they doing it in Norway?" When the answer is obviously … gonna have to get the comms teams on that.

Wednesday, Oct. 9

Northern Harvest Sea Farms weren't straight with me.

There are a few million dead salmon in Fortune Bay. Warm water? That's a friggin' boil up. The thought of it turns me. I was led to believe we were talking about scooping a few guppies out of the aquarium, now they are telling me its tonnage. Norwegians!

And the video? All that pink froth blowing out of the hoses? Like a youngster yucking up the cotton candy after one too many turns on the Tilt-A-Whirl. These aquaculture dudes have worse message management skills than Nalcor. 

I can't go salmon anymore, sticking to the fish sticks from here on in.

Thursday, Oct. 17

Call out to all good Liberals to stump for Nick Whalen who is apparently in trouble in the Soviet Socialist Republic of St. John's East. Nick's problem is using too many big words. That'll kill you at the doors.

Friday, Oct. 18

Another call from the CBC St. John's newsroom.

"Ignore!"

Bloody Ceeb. Pain in the ass. What is the point, nobody watches it since Netflix.

Netflix and chill, CBC take a pill.

Chrétien should have shut the place down altogether, the cuts only made them bitter. Not sure why Justin topped up their budget. They're helpful during an election but they'll always betray you in the end. Going to pick up a few burner phones and drive back to Corner Brook. Too much media aggravation in Sin Jahns.

Monday, Oct. 21

I don't need to stay up until the B.C. polls report, seeing the 905 results tells me it's a Liberal minority. Thank you, Doug Ford.

Bloc is going to extort everything it can. No way Newfoundland is getting a new equalization deal any time soon. Do I really want to be the premier that files for bankruptcy?

Next Federal election's only two years out, sooner if Justin keeps the staff that blew the first term. I'll talk to Seamus about getting Gudie something. Anybody can be Ambassador to Ireland. Time is right to be getting back in the federal game. Justin can't be long for the job.

"Prime Minister Gerry Byrne." I like the sound of it.

Gerry don't fight the contest he can't win. Back to French immersion I guess.

Attention, Trois-Pistoles, c'est le temps de Gerry!

Read more from CBC Newfoundland and Labrador

About the Author

Edward Riche

Contributor

Edward Riche writes for the page, stage and screen. He lives in St. John's.

Comments

To encourage thoughtful and respectful conversations, first and last names will appear with each submission to CBC/Radio-Canada's online communities (except in children and youth-oriented communities). Pseudonyms will no longer be permitted.

By submitting a comment, you accept that CBC has the right to reproduce and publish that comment in whole or in part, in any manner CBC chooses. Please note that CBC does not endorse the opinions expressed in comments. Comments on this story are moderated according to our Submission Guidelines. Comments are welcome while open. We reserve the right to close comments at any time.

now