Nfld. & Labrador·Satire

Just imagine if the Liberals branded legal weed in their own image

In a satirical column, writer Edward Riche speculates on what a Liberal strain of cannabis products might be called.

In a satirical column, Edward Riche speculates on a Liberal strain of cannabis

Canopy Growth produces much of the cannabis sold in Newfoundland and Labrador. Edward Riche cast his imagination to a line of politically flavoured Canopy products. (Canopy Growth Corp.)

Hearing that cannabis was a stocking stuffer of choice last month, CBC asked that I review some of the product available here in St. John's.

After the Christmas rush, though, the supply shortage is even more acute.

So, if you will, just imagine that the only pot left on the shelves to be scored was Canopy Growth Liberal Party Branded weed.

I used to buy pot at the Thomson Student Centre. This is "back in the day," the late 1970s, before Brian Tobin was in politics. You would get a nickel of "bog weed" in a matchbox. It was full of seeds and twigs. I think it came from Mexico or Colombia.

The hashish was of a higher standard; you bought it in $10 portions, fragrant "dimes,"and it came from Lebanon or Nepal or Afghanistan. 

Quality control was non-existent and while the supply was variable it was more reliable than since government has gotten involved. When the practice of only harvesting the buds of sex-starved female marijuana plants became the rule, the pot got too strong for me. That Herijuana they grew out in British Columbia just gave me the jumps.

How about a little LPC THC? 

Now that it's legal, most of the interest from the crowd with whom I used to smoke the stuff is in whether it will dull the pain from their arthritis.

I got squared away with some old Herbie Hancock on vinyl, some chips and dip, and conducted my entirely unscientific survey of LPC THC.

Edgy Joys – As advertised, this put me quite on edge. It was an aggressive stoned. I became, unusual for me, combative and argumentative. After only half a joint, I experienced a dissociation from my body and started referring to myself in the third person. A bad trip.

Kirby Kush – Less assertive than the former but still not a terribly pleasant experience. I smoked this in the parking lot of a motel I was staying and struck up a conversation with this gal I met there and I'm not sure how I came off. I got the sense she was getting some creepy vibe off me.

MitchelS'mores – Obviously designed by potonists to stimulate appetite as I developed serious munchies. I was eating poutines and pies and pots of cooked dinner. This was documented on Instagram as I was, for reasons I don't fully grasp now, posting pictures of everything I consumed online. This was real anxiety-reducer too. After smoking it, my problems seemed small and I was very carefree.

Slow Lane – Little buzz, less consumer interest, no longer in the Liberal line of dopes.

Doobie MacD — Rich, mellow herb. Really high but felt completely in control. Almost no information provided with the sample I received, though. Not sure where it came from or who is behind it.

Dwight Balls – Much like the Nepalese Temple Balls of yore; soft, crumbly. Narcotic, pharmaceutical feel.

Haggie By The Baggie – strictly medicinal sativa strain. No high to speak of, but relief that it does the job.

Coady Oil – spilled, no review.

What else is on the shelf?

Lost a few hours and gained a few pounds but pretty much the sort of effect expected from natural governing weed. 

The Tories have responded to Liberal-branded cannabis with branded craft beer but the 375cc bottle seems to be too dry for Newfoundland palate. There are worries that, left on the shelf too long, it may go flat.

These are some of the brands sold at THC Distribution in Portugal Cove-St. Philip's. Satirist Edward Riche has eye on some (fictional!) new brands. (Jeremy Eaton/CBC)

The NDP are also in the game with the two fistfuls of barbituates and a bottle of vodka known up along as "Meet Jag" or "2019." Locally the "2019" is more commonly referred to as "the Double Whammy."

Finance Minister Tom Osborne says he expects prices for the Liberal-branded pot will drop considerably as the election approaches.

Read more stories and columns from CBC Newfoundland and Labrador

About the Author

Edward Riche

Contributor

Edward Riche writes for the page, stage and screen. He lives in Happy Valley-Goose Bay, Labrador.