HUNKS Comedy offers their vaccine priority list (spoiler: they want it first)

Manitobans have begun to question the Pallister government’s decision on which groups they administer the vaccine to first. Winnipeg sketch comedians HUNKS have their own suggestions for the vaccine priority list.

20-somethings with 'old souls,' moist talkers deserve 1st shot at the shot, Winnipeg sketch comedians say

The comedy troupe HUNKS says essential workers include doctors, nurses, and yes  — the Winnipeg Jets. (Photo illustration by HUNKS Comedy)

With Manitoba's COVID-19 vaccine rollout already underway, Manitobans have begun to question the Pallister government's decision on which groups they administer the vaccine to first.

Many Manitobans have shared their own version of the priority list.

Here now is our version (in a particular order):

1. Front-line workers: This is a no-brainer. They've dedicated their lives to helping us get through this difficult time. Think doctors, nurses, the Winnipeg Jets, etc. 

2. Vulnerable elderly citizens: Start with those aged 80-plus years old; then people in their 20s who have "old souls,"  and then 30-year-olds who share memes from the '90s, etc.

3. People who live in remote communities: Basically, if their phone is on 3G still, we need to help them out. 

4. People with pre-existing conditions: Anyone with heart conditions or respiratory illness. Also, anyone who uses WebMD to self-diagnose with a new disease every morning, that 30-something jerk who yelled at a Shoppers Drug Mart employee for questioning their medical exemption to wearing a mask, etc. 

5. People in communal living situations: Start with those living in a long-term care home. Then anyone living in prisons, Hutterite communities, U of M dorm rooms, poly communities, cults, etc. 

'Outsider' teens should be included on the vaccine priority list, HUNKS say. 'We recommend they be prioritized into the following groups: nerds, jocks, skaters, goths, preppies, greasers and finally, the suspiciously old-looking teens.' (Warner Bros./Photo illustration by HUNKS)

6. Public servants: Elected officials, municipal workers, the guy who plays Ring of Fire on repeat in Osborne Village, the stranger who let me know I had spinach in my teeth (back when you could see a stranger's teeth), etc. 

7. Those most likely to spread COVID: People who speak moistly, influencers who can't help but visit Banff, anyone looking forward to eating at Olive Garden again, huggy aunts, "Karens" who need to speak to the manager at every store they enter, people who share ice cream cones with their dogs, moms who bake coins into birthday cakes, etc.

8. Teachers and other educators: Just an FYI, "educator" doesn't include people who share clickbait on Facebook. (Looking at you, Uncle Rick.) 

9. Whoever complains the loudest: Squeaky wheel gets the needle.

10. Teenagers: Last and certainly least. We recommend they be prioritized into the following groups: nerds, jocks, skaters, goths, preppies, greasers and finally, the suspiciously old-looking teens. 

HUNKS leave behind the 'dumpster fire' of 2020 with a vaccine wish list: 'We’ll be happy just as long as everyone gets it (and we get it first).' (Submitted by HUNKS)

It is our hope that the Pallister government will take our fully thought-out suggestions to heart.

It is no small task to decide which members of our population receive the vaccine first, but we'll be happy just as long as everyone gets it (and we get it first). 

Stay safe, Manitoba!

We can hardly wait for the days when we can safely stroll along Winnipeg's submerged river trail, crowd the boardwalks of Gimli, eat Chester Fried Chicken on the shores of Lake Manitoba, and feel the warm embrace of our weird cult leaders once again!

This column is part of CBC's Opinion section. For more information about this section, please read this editor's blog and our FAQ.

About the Author

HUNKS is a Winnipeg-based sketch comedy group. They are Tim Gray, Rory Fallis, Matt Nightingale and Dana Smith. Check out Season 2 of their podcast, released weekly on all platforms. 


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