British Columbia

Men without friends a problem says Victoria counsellor

A Victoria counsellor says he's seeing many men that are feeling lonely and isolated. They might have partners, children and great careers, but too many of them are finding they have no male friends.

Volunteer counsellor says some men have a hard time with skills that form backbone of friendships

(Dave and Les Jacobs/Getty Images)

The stereotype that men not able to talk about or share their feelings may have some truth behind it, and according to Victoria counsellor Bruce Chambers, it's getting in the way of men building friendships, especially with other men.

Chambers, a volunteer counsellor at the Citizens Counselling Centre, says he speaks to many men who are feeling isolated and lonely which leads to depression, anxiety and anger.

"There were a lot of male clients, who, even though they may in a partnership, they may have children, they may have a successful career, they're feeling unfulfilled or isolated … and most of them were able to say they have this 'no friends' thing, this 'male no friends' thing," Chambers told All Points West host Robyn Burns.

"That part of their life was just a real hole for them."

Chambers doesn't believe men prefer to be alone, and it's more a circumstance of family and work life displacing friendships. And while those things are fulfilling for many men, Chambers thinks that men do need male friendships throughout their lives.

Problem at all ages

It's a problem Chambers is seeing in men of many ages. Sometimes men in their 20s move out on their own to a new city and realize they don't know how to build new relationships. Other times, older men lose their partners and have forgotten how to make friends.

"Also there's an issue with mostly young people who've been spending a lot of time online with friends and are beginning to find that unfulfilling," he said. "We're finding ways to teach them to transition to face-to-face friendships."

Chambers says that men are socialized to not talk about their feelings, which can keep existing friendships at a surface level. He finds some men who come in for counselling are uncomfortable even making eye contact.

"So there's a lot of skilling learning and learning new attitudes and getting over this whole idea of how we were socialized as men," he said.

He says that for many men, getting friends back into their lives can be improved by practicing some fundamental skills that might seem obvious, like eye contact, story-telling and even compliments — but many men don't realize what they're not doing.

To hear the full story, click the audio labelled: Why are men such lousy friends? A Victoria counsellor has some ideas why


To encourage thoughtful and respectful conversations, first and last names will appear with each submission to CBC/Radio-Canada's online communities (except in children and youth-oriented communities). Pseudonyms will no longer be permitted.

By submitting a comment, you accept that CBC has the right to reproduce and publish that comment in whole or in part, in any manner CBC chooses. Please note that CBC does not endorse the opinions expressed in comments. Comments on this story are moderated according to our Submission Guidelines. Comments are welcome while open. We reserve the right to close comments at any time.

Become a CBC Member

Join the conversation  Create account

Already have an account?