Scrotox: Yup, men are botoxing their junk
It's official. Standards of male beauty aren't getting any easier to attain. How official? Well, men are injecting their genitals with Botox to make their tackle more pleasing to the eye. So, yeah, pretty official. Dr. John Mesa, a board certified plastic surgeon says he's already "ironed" out fifteen sets of balls this year and confidently expects a rise in that number in 2017 when droves of men shell out good money to unwrinkle their collective scrota. Scrotox is here. And yes, Dr. Mesa himself calls the procedure "Ball Ironing" which, for the record, makes me feel unsafe.
Women quickly made peace with Botox (or the idea of it) when it was accidentally discovered by Canadian doctors, Jean and Alastair Carruthers, back in 1987 (they never patented it though, so they don't live in a castle made of diamonds, platinum and rhinoceros horns - as far as I know). And men followed suit, but only recently have they begun asking cosmetic surgeons to spruce up their junk with the stuff. Sure. Who doesn't want to be the whole package, right? Spoiler alert: more puns ahead.
Botox, btw, is a trademarked name, joining an elite list of household staples used to described all other generic equivalents. The usual suspects being Kleenex, Tupperware, Saran Wrap, Q-tips, and Krazy-glue. But here's something Krazy: Botox is the only neurotoxin in the VIP section. It's a purified form of botulinum, a nerve paralysing toxin that causes botulism. Botulism? Splendid. Get as close to my reproductive organs as possible. In fact, could you be a lamb and just jab a needle in there and pump me chock full of it!? Cool. See you on the catwalk.
Why!? Well, it turns out the impetus to pay to have your scrotum injected with a neurotoxin is the same as it is for women who have their faces done: less wrinkles. Dr. Mesa explains that the procedure typically results in a smooth, low-hanging scrotum giving the appearance of much larger testicles. Huh. Curious. I've heard of scrotum lifts to tighten things up down there but this just doesn't register as attractive to me. Do let me know if my sense of aesthetic is off in the comments section and I'll schedule a Scrotox sesh immediately. I will, however, have a question for the medical staff when I get there: is it the scrotum that takes the hit or do they have to puncture the testicle? Also, I need to lie down for a bit. I think my corset might be on too tight. Feeling just a wittle woozy over here.
For the uninitiated, ball behaviour 101: the scrotum relaxes in warmer climates (aka summer scrotum - I always know when it's late July because my guys are everywhere) and contracts when it's cold (aka shrinkage - I always know when it's late December because, well, I just know okay, shut up) in a autonomic physiological response that aims to keep your boys a shade cooler than body temperature at all times. But you know what happens when you stretch out and shrink something repeatedly? Nothing good. Ultimately you end up trading elasticity for a wrinkly old scrotum over time. So bring on the Scrotox, I guess.
Thankfully science has our backs, men. Which, reminder, society has confirmed should be decidedly hairless.
No sense in fighting it. Beauty standards have always been unforgiving. Women have long suffered this hard truth but men are just now starting to get the point. See what I did there? Actually gonna need Botox to unfurrow my brow trying to understand the value of low hanging balls and a silky smooth scrotum. The whole thing just (wait for it)... seems nuts to me.
Marc Beaulieu is a writer, producer and host of the live Q&A show guyQ LIVE @AskMen.