Deep freezing your junk could heat up your sex life

How cryotherapy gives your undercarriage a boost

How cryotherapy gives your undercarriage a boost

(Getty Images/iStockphoto)

When Nazareth released "Love Hurts" in 1975 it's unlikely they had the image of liquid nitrogen vapor blasted point blank at their raw, bare genitals in mind. Nor, more than likely, could they have prophesied the frosty procedure to be a romantic aid benefiting those looking to invigorate their sex lives. Still, their lyrics hold true here more than ever: Love hurts/Love scars/Love wounds and marks/Any heart not tough or strong enough/To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain/...Love hurts/Ooooh Love hurts. Indeed. Painful or not, there may be some data to support letting your drawers drop to brave degrees below zero. The extreme cold of crotchal cryotherapy could heat up your love life.

How cold must you go? A bracing -160 degrees is the icy temp of the "Love Mist" (actual name) coming at your reproductive organs when you step into one of many Cryotherapy UK spas. According to the health and beauty team wielding the ice-vapour, a boost to your endorphins, your sex drive and your genitalia's overall aesthetic appeal is only 30 frigid minutes away, at the business end of a nitrogen hose mind you (1800 seconds if you want to count it out). Surprisingly, this isn't the most extreme beautifying procedure I've ever heard of: scrotox still ranks pretty high on that list. Full disclosure, while the spa offered the procedure during peak love season, Valentine's Day, their site no longer mentions "amorous" mist of any kind. I looked. But Spa Cloud in Montreal does the whole body, bits and all, in a cold and quick 3 minutes for 69 loonies. In fact, most cities have cryo spas that'll chill your whole package.   

Cryotherapy UK did confirm for media that the trendy procedure triggers genital rejuvenation (in both men and women) due to messages being being sent to and from the brain as the body registers the brutal temperature dip. Huh. The first of these messages, and I'm just guessing here, is probs "what in Gandalf's grey effing hat are you doing to our tackle?" In scientific terms, it's called shock and it releases endorphins, your body's natural opiates and painkillers. So, you will get high from the concentrated cold spell.

Those signals also cause something called vasoconstriction which is a narrowing of blood vessels that increases blood pressure. While that happens, the body continues to send mental memos. The spa says "these messengers tell the brain if there is damage to the tissues, to repair them." I'm going to gloss over that whole "damage to the tissues" phrasing but your body is reacting to a perceived threat. And that's the point.  

"It's this that along with the instant endorphin level energy boost and natural high, generates a tighter, youthful, clear and vibrant genital skin appearance through boosting collagen." The sexy makeover (when offered) cost about $90 in the UK and that's just your undercarriage. Much cheaper to do it here, on Canadian soil. But, you know, caveat emptor and all that should you be toying with the idea of refrigerating your soft parts for love and vanity. You could also just wait for winter and go streaking (a disregard for decency laws and legal strife will serve you here).

Although directing its frosty force at one's nether regions is novel, cryotherapy is nothing new. The non-genital kind has proved massively beneficial for pro-athletes who drop degrees to reduce muscle soreness, help heal injuries and minimize recovery time. It's also popular with less sporty celebs who tout it's anti-aging properties. All that purported positive stuff extreme cold does for your privates, it actually does to the rest of you. In fact, living in a colder climate is excellent for a whole litany of ills.

Due diligence: do note that Health Canada has definitely not signed off on cryotherapy and more than one doctor thinks that deep freezing your tenders specifically for love may be a bad idea, or at the very least a waste of time, money, and comfort.

I suggest a more frugal, practical and non-seasonal approach to managing your sex life with the power of brrrrr. The cold shower. At the very least, once you've iced yourself at home, you'll have suppressed any sexual rousings sufficiently to not really care how your love nest looks.