You're welcome: The only Royal Wedding explainer you need
On Saturday morning, thousands of us will wake up far too early and watch two people we've never met get married. We will consume dozens of hours of matrimonial-themed broadcasting and form strong opinions about dresses and hair. Then, when our caffeine crashes begin and the magic wears off, we will spend the rest of the day wandering the streets in fatigued, zombified states and wonder what we watched, who we saw, and why.
Thankfully, I've got part of that covered. Bow down and pray to whatever higher power you believe in (read: me), for I have all the answers to every Royal Wedding question you may have.
All right, so why should I care about the Royal Wedding?
Well, obviously you already do or you wouldn't be reading this. But if you need an official explanation, try this: we're all barrelling towards death. Let's enjoy a wedding we don't have to bring a gift to or maintain composure at while watching a belligerent best man attempt his impression of Steve Buscemi in The Wedding Singer.
Speaking of the best man, who is it?
Are you kidding me? It's Prince William. Who else would it be? Can you name any of Harry's other friends?
Are you saying Harry doesn't have any friends?
I'm saying that I do not personally know who they are, which means that they do not exist. So yes, my theory is that Harry doesn't have friends.
Okay, so who's Meghan Markle's maid of honour?
Oh, you wish you knew, don't you?
Well, yes that's wh —
Okay, shut up. Meghan Markle doesn't have a maid of honour. This is because she reportedly didn't want to have to choose between friends, but I have my own theories. Specifically, that she knew it'd be too soon to ask me — someone who would clearly make a terrific maid of honour. In fact, I was my friend's maid of honour two years ago and I was a dream because I didn't do anything outside of entertain everyone enough to keep them distracted from doing any weird family things.
My other theory is that the woman who played Meghan Markle in that Lifetime movie wasn't free, so why even bother? If you're not going to be backed up by a woman who looks nearly identical to you in every way, why have friends as bridesmaids at all?
This is getting too Westworld. So when are you going to explain what's going on with Meghan Markle's dad?
Listen. I'm not about to start running my mouth about Meghan Markle's dad. But a lot is going on over there, including: reports of a heart attack, staged photo ops, and new reports that he'll be having heart surgery. At the moment, the story seems to be that he's not going to the wedding, and he's not going to be walking her down the aisle. Woof.
This seems like a massive bummer.
Right? Like, I could throw my own theories into the mix, but I won't because when my dad even posts a Facebook status without proper use of a comma I want to die. So imagine that, but way more dramatic and super-upsetting and on a much larger scale.
So who's walking Meghan Markle down the aisle?
Ah, yes! It looks like the honours will go to Meghan's Mom, Doria Ragland. So it's going to be fine, and don't worry about it.
I wasn't even remotely worried. I don't even know how I got suckered into this. So who else will be there?
I mean, I'm trying my best. Do you think I know these people? I mean, I do — they're like family to me. We have a very important and unique relationship, fuelled entirely by me promising never to go near them ever, or to ever allege that our relationship between us is anything other than "fan" and "subject of my adoration." But I digress.
Everyone will be there. If they are famous and can afford a fancy hat, they will be at that church. Just don't ask me to name names because the CBC has been adamant in reminding me that making bold claims like this will invite a lawsuit. (But yes, every Spice Girl will be there and they will reunite and read my best tweets at the pulpit.)
That's a lot to unpack. Speaking of hats, what's the story there?
Well, I Googled that exact question and found out that the British have a long and storied relationship with hats. So there you go: they love hats. They absolutely, positively love them. In fact, most British babies are born wearing hats, and Kate and William were both mindful to keep George's, Charlotte's, and Louis' hats from the public eye. Which is where it all begins, really: hats are the window into the soul, and that soul is formed during infancy.
That makes absolutely zero sense.
You know what? You're a stranger, reading this explainer, pretending you don't know how weddings work. What else do you want? Do you want to know if there will be tea? Of course there'll be tea. Will the Queen be there? How dare you: she was born there. What about Princess Diana's family? Well, when's the last wedding you've been to that didn't include every member of an extended family? I went to a wedding a few years ago where I was introduced to a woman who was so removed from the family that not a single person there actually knew who she was.
Just kidding: that woman was me, and Kate and William's wedding was lovely.
You have absolutely no authority on this subject, do you?
I just ordered an official dish towel. I have every authority in the world.