Comedy·DOWN THE CHUTE

Woman fined by Environment Canada for dumping toxic boyfriend

The dumping incident took place inside a Kelsey’s restaurant, which was evacuated after several witnesses fell ill from inhaling the fumes.

HAMILTON, ON—Katie Landon of Hamilton, Ontario was fined $2,000 this morning for violating the Canadian Environmental Protection Act of 1999 for the improper disposal of 184 pounds of a harmful substance known to many as her now ex-boyfriend Daniel Breyers.

The dumping incident took place inside a Kelsey's restaurant, which was evacuated after several witnesses fell ill from inhaling the fumes spewing from a furious Breyers. All have since recovered.

Landon is not happy about the verdict, and maintains that she tried to minimize the damage Breyers might cause by consulting a doctor – specifically, television personality Dr. Oz.

"I got Daniel on a strict, lemonade detox diet before the break-up, thinking it could draw out some of his toxic energy, as Dr. Oz prescribed," she shares.

Unfortunately, consuming nothing but maple-sweetened lemonade only made Breyers hangry. Landon is now part of a class-action lawsuit against SuperCleanse Detox for misleading consumers.

While environmentalists are pleased with the decision, many women are wondering why Landon is solely responsible for the actions of her ex-boyfriend. In response, the judge for the case, Federal Court Justice Lawrence J. Wilson III, reminded the public of the Boys Will Be Boys Act, SO 1907, c 9, s 1(1)a, which simply states, "boys will be boys."

The judge ruled that Landon failed to label the hazards associated with prolonged contact with Breyers, who has been classified by previous girlfriends as volatile and explosive, with acute toxic masculinity.

Additionally, as a binge drinker, Breyers must be kept away from any sparks or open flames.

Environmental Officer Margaret Lee released an official statement today, indicating her agency's support for the ruling, and her hope that Landon can learn from this experience.

"Ms. Landon had full knowledge that she was illegally dumping hazardous material onto private property, and endangering the lives of each Kelsey's patron. For proper disposal, Mr. Breyers should have been placed in a sealed, transparent container with at least seven visible WHMIS hazard symbols."

The Crown also found Landon guilty of running a "repeat dumping operation," since this is the fourth time she has dumped Breyers during their tumultuous three-year relationship.

The $2,000 fine will cover some of the costs incurred by Environment Canada, who took great care in safely isolating Breyers inside a therapist's office. They suspect that his toxicity can be defused with two to three years of anger management classes, Dr. Seuss books, and LEGO dioramas.

Don't miss anything from CBC Comedy - like us on Facebook.

About the Author

Lexa Graham is a Toronto comedian and writer with a Master’s degree in Engineering. She has written for Reductress, CBC Comedy, and has also had her research published in The Canadian Journal of Chemical Engineering. You can catch her in Toronto every week hosting and producing Hard Day Comedy, a female-forward stand up show.