Comedy·FIGGY PUDDING

We Wish You A Merry Christmas and other outrageously demanding holiday classics

Look, I’m sorry, but I simply cannot get on board with the beloved Christmas ditty "We Wish You A Merry Christmas."
(Shutterstock / esthermm)

Look, I'm sorry, but I simply cannot get on board with the beloved Christmas ditty "We Wish You A Merry Christmas." For years, we have accepted this song as normal and delightfully festive while straight-up ignoring its sinister, deeply troubling innards.

Picture this: some people show up at your house on Christmas Day. "We wish you a Merry Christmas!" they insist, multiple times. Lovely!

NO.

"Now bring us some figgy pudding," these so-called Christians suddenly demand. "Bring us some figgy pudding. BRING US SOME FIGGY PUDDING. AND. BRING. IT. RIGHT. HERE."

What the hell is happening here. What kind of ostensibly joyful carolers walk into someone's home and instantly demand such an irritatingly specific dish be made for them AND BROUGHT TO THEIR VERY PERSON. They won't even walk four millimetres to the pudding. THE PUDDING MUST COME TO THEM.

It gets worse.

"We won't go until we get some!" they chant merrily, and numerous times, couching their outrageous request in light holiday cheer. We have now entered a fig-based hostage situation. It's Christmas Day. This is unconscionable. Where are these hosts even going to get 37 figs on such late notice? All the stores are closed. Who needs this kind of stress??

If we're going to casually insert wildly unhinged food demands into our pleasantly upbeat Christmas songs, I say we commit fully:

Jingle bells! Jingle bells! Jingle all the way!

Make me fifteen rhubarb tortes or I will wreck your day

HEY!

* * *

Have yourself a merry little Christmas

Let your heart be light

From now on you'll spoon-feed me a Diet Sprite

* * *

Deck the halls with boughs of holly!

Fa la la la la la la la la

Bring me omelets on a trolley!

Fa la la la la la la la la

Don we now our gay apparel!

Fa la la la la la la la la

Learn to cook, HOW 'BOUT IT, CAROL??

Fa la la la la la la la la!

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Sophie Kohn

Writer/Producer

Sophie Kohn is writer and producer with CBC Comedy, a stand-up comedian in Toronto, and a graduate of Second City's Conservatory program.

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