Uhhh nope, do not put this one on me - by Saint Patrick
Hi. Saint Patrick here. The one from heaven?
Oh, you've heard of me. Good.
Yeah, I definitely did a lot of good stuff; got to go to paradise. I'm there permanently now.
But sometimes I pop out for a bit of a stroll.
I don't know if you saw me yesterday, actually. I came down for a visit.
Did a little pop-in. Hm? Yep, from heaven. From heaven.
I realize it's a bit of a trek, but the reason I came by was that I heard about this day dedicated to me once a year in March. Though that sounded pretty neat, wanted to see it was all about.
Heard it was one of the big ones.
And I saw it.
And I gotta tell you something: nahhhhhh.
Not. Too. Impressed.
I'm not sure what you've heard about me. But that day… that's not me.
I've been around some other times of year, and I've seen some of the holidays. Even saw a Christmas once.
Wow. Pretty different to what I've got, lemme tell you.
I mean, I don't expect to compete with that one, obviously. I'm reasonable about the whole thing — I understand Saint Nicholas isn't really the whole reason for all that business, there's a ton of other stuff tied up in it.
But even Saint Valentine… I mean he's told me he got this day where people are just sweet and nice to another person. That's the whole holiday! And I believe him — he's annoying, and saccharine and writes this awful poetry, but he's no liar.
Whereas two seconds after I got there for my "special day," someone threw up on my shoes.
My shoes aren't even technically corporeal, and yet someone threw up so much that they somehow threw up on them.
I never had a single drink. Not in my whole life. Complete teetotaler.
I was (and am) a literal saint. And this is what you give me?
I realize this is a time-honored tradition, so I'm not going to ask you to turn it around on a dime. A couple suggested changes for next year, though:
- Leave all the rivers the same color as they were the day before.
- If you're not Irish, you're not Irish. You don't need to be Irish! I don't care who enjoys and celebrates my day, especially if they're going to add a little more decorum to it. We're not even 100% sure I am Irish! But you know who especially isn't Irish? People who were born in Manitoba to German parents.
- No milkshakes of any kind.
And that's it! That's all I ask. Just… I never want to see any of these things again. Start with those, and you're doing me proud. Let's turn things around, folks.
Oh, and then when I'm done here there's another guy who really wants to talk to you, for kind of similar reasons.
Goes by St-Hubert.