Uber Eats now lets you order Group of Waiters Who Will Encircle You and Joylessly Sing 'Happy Birthday'
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
If you've scrolled through the tantalizing food morsels on Uber Eats lately, you will have noticed an important addition to our offerings: as of September 1st, customers may order a group of matching waiters to come to their home and sing a limp and listless rendition of Happy Birthday whilst tightly encircling a seated customer.
"You can even do this on a day that's not your birthday," explains UberEats communications associate Darryl Bosworth. "We have no way to stop you, so."
The decision came after Uber Eats executives went on a team retreat to the Amazon rainforest, dabbled in ayahuasca, and hallucinated a collective vision for improving the future of the company.
"We sat in a pleasing rhombus shape and started crying because even though Uber Eats is so wonderful, there are just some features of physically being in a restaurant that we hadn't yet been able to offer to our valued customers," explains Uber Eats intern Kyle Clasp, whose first day on the job involved boarding a plane into a jungle and getting completely messed up on powerful psychoactive compounds with his bosses.
"But then we thought of the waiter thing. And the sky just burst open with possibility and hope."
Uber Eats plans to keep a group of six waiters on retainer in a warehouse in every major city. The waiters will wear matching white button-down shirts, black ties, and red baseball caps turned cheekily to one side. To order them, simply click on the waiter icon, and then click "Add To Cart."
"They will arrive at your home within 30 minutes, just like a meal," says Clasp. "They will be so dead inside as they sing, because they hate their lives, they haven't booked any auditions in months, and they've already had to sing goddamn Happy Birthday 14 times today to American tourists and sullen teenagers. But they will clap while they sing. One of them might yell out 'HEY!' at an unexpected moment during the song, giving it that extra-special flourish. Then the group of waiters will abruptly leave."
Customers have the option to order the singing waiters as an addition to a meal — or, to order them alone, by themselves, with no food involved at all.
Uber Eats says it's working on offering other experiences that customers get in a physical restaurant.
"In 2019, if everything goes well, you will be able to order Pretty Long Lineup For The Bathroom," shares Bosworth. "Seven people will come to your home and immediately line up outside your bathroom, forcing you to wait an uncomfortable amount of time before you can use it."
"It's just another one of those authentic touches to help our customers feel like they're really getting the full restaurant experience."