RUSSIA

Trump to take oath of office with right hand raised, left hand resting gently on Putin's butt

When Donald Trump is sworn in as the 45th president of the United States on January 20th, he will be doing so with his right hand raised and his left gently resting on Russian president Vladimir Putin’s butt.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—When Donald Trump is sworn in as the 45th president of the United States on January 20th, he will be doing so with his right hand raised and his left gently resting on Russian president Vladimir Putin's butt. Trump's spokeswoman Kellyanne Conway announced the decision this morning, playing down its importance.

"It is merely a symbolic gesture to include Mr. Putin's butt in the ceremony," she explained. "Mr. Trump is required to swear an oath on something, and he just happened to choose the butt of Mr. Putin."

Still, some pundits wonder if Trump's decision to place his hand on Mr. Putin's butt speaks to a close relationship between the two men, an assertion which Conway emphatically denies. "Just like every president before him, Mr. Trump has chosen to place his hand on a sacred object that he looks to for guidance. The Russian president's butt fits the bill. That's all."

Indeed, presidents have been sworn in on many different texts throughout the years, from bibles to law books to the constitution, but this will be the first time a president has taken the oath on the butt of Vladimir Putin, or any butt for that matter.

Some in the media have also expressed a concern over how Mr. Trump will conclude the oath. Although it is not required, many presidents add the phrase "So help me God" to the end of their vows. Mr. Trump will not be adding this phrase, but will end his oath with "So help me Vladdy." Experts speculate that this is a reference to Vladimir Putin, whose very butt will be nestled in the left hand of Mr. Trump, perhaps adding gravity to the moment.

Again, Ms. Conway dismissed any allegations of impropriety, stating that Mr. Trump likes God just fine, but would rather reference the man actually responsible for getting him elected.

As is tradition, the ceremony will end with the "Hail to The Chief," but will be personally played by Mr. Trump as he gazes into the butt of Mr. Putin.

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