Trump stops Santa Claus at American border
BUFFALO, NY—A Merry Christmas was for millions put in potential jeopardy in the wee hours of this morning when, according to reports, one Kristopher Kringle was stopped at the American border on the orders of President-elect of the United States, Donald J. Trump.
Trump cited numerous issues with Kringle's paperwork—not the least of which was a wide disparity in listed names, which included Saint Nicholas, Santa Claus, Kris Kringle, and Father Christmas.
"It's unbelievable," said Trump. "This guy also had, you know, some foreign-sounding ones on there, there was Babbo Natale, Sinterklaas, and Père Noël—at a certain point it's like, okay folks, enough is enough, I mean where is this guy from, you know? Which is exactly what we plan to find out, and I truly mean this, I've got to tell you."
Trump is quick to assure doubters that the man's place of origin is not the only reason for the red tape. "He dresses in a pretty wacky way," Trump explained. "I don't know if you've seen the pictures, you know, the press has been putting out a lot of false pictures, drawings, not the real guy, you know, it's very dishonest, the media."
"And the giving!" Trump continued, suddenly as exasperated as this reporter has ever heard him. "My god with the giving! You wouldn't believe how this guy—and let me just say, you know, I am a very giving guy. I'm a really great guy and I give a lot, anyone will tell you, believe me. I give and this guy though, it's on a whole other level, and you really do have to wonder what he's after. Some people are generous the whole year round, and I would have to include, again, myself in this, as well as my close friend Jon Voight. But you have to be suspicious when a guy suddenly goes nuts with it all at once, all in December. He reminds me of Crooked Hillary trying to buy up friends on Election Day. It didn't work for her and it's not going to work for him."
"Also this Prancer character, you know, and I'm a very accepting guy. I'm usually a very accepting guy but—and that's all I'll say," added Trump.
At press time, Kringle had completely disappeared, leaving no trace – a report Trump denied, saying, "We got it, believe me, this is something I have completely under control, there is no way this guy will outsmart me, I'm actually very smart."
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