Comedy·WEEP CAN DO IT

Tips for the modern woman on how to run your life like a boss while openly weeping

Are you a woman who loves to feel her feelings? Wondering whether anyone will take your directives seriously if they’re being issued in between sobs?
(Shutterstock / Mangostar)

Are you a woman who loves to feel her feelings? Wondering whether anyone will take your directives seriously if they're being issued in between sobs?

For decades, women have been discouraged from taking positions of power because we are "too emotional," but anyone who loves to cry will tell you that it is more than possible to be productive and sob simultaneously, even on your period!

Use these tips to take charge of your life by making clear and constructive decisions while still allowing yourself to be affected by the simple vulnerability of a passing dog's joy.

1. 7 AM alarm tears

You're a Highly Successful Woman, which means you probably start your day before the sun rises (...right?). When you're asleep, dreaming about a world in which you're listened to and taken seriously despite your vagina, allow your puddle of tears wake you up naturally instead of using an alarm clock. Get up and at 'em, you blubbering goddess!

2. Use sobs as punctuation  

Next time you find yourself agonizing about whether you sound likeable enough in a work email, change your tactic. Instead of including those rampant exclamation marks when delegating tasks, replace them with sobs.

If you're wondering what a sob looks like in writing, it's this: "Darren, please bring the signed paperwork to the staff meeting on Friday GHHHHHJUHHAAAAA."

3. Make sure you're entering those wails into your FitBit

As a woman who Has It Together, your physical health is a top priority, but let's be realistic: sometimes we just can't fit ten thousand steps into a day. But there's good news: with every heaving sob your core facilitates, you are getting in a High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT) workout. Why even bother paying for a gym membership when the innate perfection of sunshine on a leaf can instantly overwhelm you with gratitude?

4. Be a weepy leader

Next time you feel the sting of emotion behind your eyes, turn your face triumphantly towards the humans around you and say, "Get into my world or get out of it!" This declarative ultimatum sends the message to others that you are neither ashamed of your tears nor are you going to use tissues. Most people are just one "Cat and Monkey Share a Tender Nap" YouTube video away from a full existential breakdown, and will therefore appreciate your unabashed invitation to join you in a public cry.

5. Lean in

You're a powerful multi-tasking wonder-woman who simply doesn't have the time to stop and cry. You've got jobs, deadlines, social obligations and episodes of MTV's Teen Mom to catch up on. There's no reason you can't weep and enjoy a fancy business brunch.

A boss-ass lady knows that there's no shame in a public cry, so next time you're out Getting Shit Done, you should feel empowered enough to take a moment to emotionally collapse at how delicate and perfect a baby's hand is. While owning that to-do list, of course.

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About the Author

Allana is currently performing with the Mainstage cast for The Second City’s 80th revue, Party Today, Panic Tomorrow. She is a two-time Canadian Comedy Award nominee & past winner of the Tim Sims Encouragement Fund Award. Most recently, her credits include writing for Comedy Network’s THE BEAVERTON, on which she also plays Beauty Expert, Amber. Her solo characters were featured in both the Toronto Sketch Comedy Festival and Montreal Sketch Comedy Festival’s Best of the Fest shows, and earned her a spot in JFL42’s New Faces Character showcase. She can be seen performing around Toronto with troupe, Panacea (Top 10 Comedy Shows of 2015, Now Magazine & Torontoist). Allana is a proud alumna of The Sketchersons. Yes we blam!

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