Comedy·ICE CREAM SAMMIES

These fancy new ice cream sandwich places don't understand the cookie is SUPPOSED to be terrible

Remember those ice cream sandwiches we grew up with? Remember the brownish-black “chocolate”?
(Shutterstock / Stephanie Frey)

You'll see them all over the city, new locations popping up with the frequency of a Tim Hortons, a Starbucks, or a vape store.

It's gourmet ice cream, and it's all the rage. Rich, flavourful, and in demand — just look at those line-ups.

Whatever the merits of these establishments, though, there's one thing that they have definitely gotten wrong.

The ice cream sandwich.

And I mean really wrong.

"But hold on a minute," I already hear you saying.

"Not only is the ice cream delicious, with new flavours heretofore unknown to my palate like salted caramel and spicy chili vanilla, but they've finally perfected the ice cream sandwich cookie."

And that's where they've steered you the most wrong of all. The cookie. Yes, that warm, fresh-baked cookie that they placed on either side of the ice cream of your choice.

Don't try to sell me on that ice cream sandwich by telling me how good that cookie tastes.

The better it gets the worse it is.

An ice cream sandwich's cookie is not supposed to taste good.

Remember those ice cream sandwiches we grew up with?

Remember the brownish-black "chocolate"?

It wasn't that chocolatey, right? And it wasn't firm. It wasn't a million miles different from the cardboard that the entire container of sandwiches was packaged inside.

Yeah.

That's the point.

Ever heard of contrast? The worse the cookie is, the better the ice cream tastes.

That's why we chose, time and again, to eat our sweet treat smushed between the culinary equivalent of shag carpeting. That's why we wanted to wolf down that delicious creamy dessert while holding it betwixt what appears to be just slightly softened wood, recently chopped off a nearby tree.

Honestly, the dream would be whatever your preferred ice cream is, placed in between two tiny burlap sacks.

I am not joking. How could you not love the ice cream then?

So please, enjoy the rest of your summer, and enjoy your frozen treats. But when the craving hits for an ice cream sandwich, do the right thing, do the traditional thing, eat some ice cream squeezed in between what amounts to two paperback Archie comics.

And thank me later.

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About the Author

Jeremy has been a staff writer for This Hour Has 22 Minutes, performed stand-up comedy at the Just For Laughs and Winnipeg Comedy Festivals, and co-created/stars in the popular video series The Urbane Explorer/Finding Bessarion. A 3x Canadian Comedy Award–winner and published humour columnist, he also wrote your favourite joke, the one about the fish trying to get a job at a bank.