There is no way I could beat Rock - by Paper

There’s a fact I’ve learned to face after my many, many years in the game, and it’s time you should all face it, too.

There's a fact I've learned to face after my many, many years in the game, and it's time you should all face it, too.

You all really like this game, this "Rock-Paper-Scissors," as you call it. And I get it. "Which one will win?? This will let us make important decisions in our lives with sheer randomness!"

It certainly seems like a fun game.

But take it from me: it's also a very flawed game.

This fun little game you guys play with your hands really misunderstands and disrespects what actually happens when rocks, papers, and scissors engage in real combat out in the real world, which has been happening separately for thousands of years.

Things turn out real different when we actually get down to battle.

In 43,028,041 real-life matches of Rock-Paper-Scissors, I have a record of 0–43,028,041. People would make a fortune betting against me, but you're not even allowed to anymore.

How would I beat anyone? I'm paper!

And yet the way you all talk about it, it's a fair right. Scissors beat paper. Rock beats scissors. Paper beats rock.

Oh yeah? Is that a fact? And how is that happening, exactly? Am I trapping it inside a book?? Am I suffocating it? Do rocks breathe?

No. Rocks crush.

And rocks beat paper. Even if they're wearing paper like a sweater for a little bit. Trust me. It doesn't do much damage.

And before you bring it up, yes scissors also beat me. Of course. Scissors are the natural enemy of paper.

And rocks are the natural enemy of scissors, I guess, in the sense that rocks are natural enemy of literally everything. They're rocks!

What even is the natural enemy of rock? Time?

Okay, then, let's invent a new, more accurate game. Rock-Time-Scissors. That sounds pretty fun, right?

Rock crushes scissors, time erodes rock, scissors… snip time in half?

Okay, forget Rock-Time-Scissors. Nothing can beat time.

There is no way to make this game fair.

Especially not for me. Paper does not want to battle. Paper is peaceful. Paper is your friend. You can write on me, and the only time I'll ever hurt you is by accident, when you seize me extra-enthusiastically and get a paper-cut.

That's nowhere near as bad as a "scissor-cut" or a "rock-cut," whatever that would be.

So please. Stop pretending I can win against any of these bullies. Stop all the lies. Just support me, like I support you.

And please get me outta this game.

Don't miss anything from CBC Comedy - like us on Facebook.