Comedy·RON MACLEAN

The Great Canadian Decluttering

Canada has a bunch of things lying around that I don’t think we really need anymore. Maybe they were important to us when we first acquired them, but now? We’re long overdue for a little streamlining.

Oh sure, the glorious autumn! But answer me this: why should school-age childge be the only ones who get a fresh start??

As adults, yes, we might be re-organizing our Tupperware cabinets or cleaning out our multiple drawers of silken vests, but when was the last time we held a decluttering on a national level? ANSWER: Never, and we have a massive hoarding problem. Canada has a bunch of things lying around that I don't think we really need anymore. Maybe they were important to us when we first acquired them, but now? We're long overdue for a little streamlining.

Tim Hortons

How much longer before we admit that this is gross and very bad coffee that, moments after it is ingested, burns a hole through your stomach lining in the shape of the middle finger? HEY TIM HORTONS, why don't you go "dabble dabble" in casual murder somewhere else?

The term "eh"

No one says this. The only people who say this are people from other countries with some weird cartoony idea of Canada in their brains. Kill it. Kill it dead.

Don Cherry

This guy is a barely sentient temper tantrum. He's also been talking long enough. Bye bye. Thanks for coming. I developed a not insignificant Advil budget while you were on TV.

Justin Bieber

Despite our nearly ten million square kilometres of landmass, we don't have room for people who take themselves this seriously. Especially if they're 11-year-olds sporting Hawaiian shirts and bleached hair and sultry, affected squints. Enough of this madness. He's applying for U.S. citizenship anyway. Let him go. Which brings me to my next item:

Our desperate, fawning crush on America

Maybe it's time to question whether the cartoon hearts flying out of our eyes are still warranted given that we're now gazing at a nightmare wrapped in a dictatorship shrouded in a disaster engulfed in flames. Just a thought!

The 401

As we all know, the ideal time to have a full-body anxiety attack is when you're operating a steel death trap and moving at 120 kilometres per hour. What even is this shitshow of a highway? How many years of our lives has it already stolen due to stress and terror?! Let's replace this concrete sociopath with a peaceful river and issue every citizen a paddle-boat shaped like a swan. Sure, you'll be three months late for work every morning. And? So? I really don't see the problem.

Some of the Matts

OBVIOUSLY we have some Matts who are national treasures. All I'm saying is, there are entirely too many who aren't. This country is full of underwhelming Matts of startling mediocrity. Time to thin out the herd and encourage between 40–45% of them to secede from Canada and start their own society with its own currency, which will be either barbecue tongs or t-shirts that read "Cool Story, Babe, Now Make Me A Sandwich."

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About the Author

Sophie Kohn

Writer/Producer

Sophie Kohn is writer and producer with CBC Comedy, a stand-up comedian in Toronto, and a graduate of Second City's Conservatory program.

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