Comedy·BRITISH ARE COMING

Sword-wielding Queen Elizabeth leads bloodthirsty army to halt Trump's inauguration

Work stopped suddenly on Capitol Hill today, mere days before Donald Trump is set to be sworn in as President of the United States, when a piercing battle cry rang out through the early morning mist.
(Original unedited image of Queen Elizabeth II from Foreign and Commonwealth Office.) (Shutterstock / Milind Arvind Ket)

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Work stopped suddenly on Capitol Hill today, mere days before Donald Trump is set to be sworn in as President of the United States, when a piercing battle cry rang out through the early morning mist. Thousands of unsuspecting lobbyists, senators, and staffers stopped and turned to the east, mouths agape, as Elizabeth II, Queen of England, charged into the capitol on horseback at the head of a great phalanx of warriors, broadsword raised over her powerful 90-year-old body.

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Mounted atop a glorious white steed, Queen Elizabeth II, Defender of the Faith, lead a fierce army of loyalists into battle in an apparent effort to halt Trump's inauguration. According to high-ranking intelligence sources, the bold assault is meant to keep Trump and his cabal of oligarchs from wresting power while reclaiming glory for the British monarchy in the process.

"For the Queen!" thousands cried out, the mud from horses' hooves flecked across their cheeks as they bore down on the White House.

Adorned with golden armour and surrounded by banner men, Elizabeth of the House of Windsor struck a mythical figure as she crested a hill, her unwavering gaze set hawk-like upon the seat of power. Rumoured to be near death just weeks ago, Her Majesty, the Duke of Normandy, Lord of Mann, lived up to her title as Commander-in-Chief, ruthlessly beheading those unlucky enough to fall into her path, her pure power evident to all who lay eyes on her.

Her Majesty was out for blood, sources say.

U.S. defense forces struggled to fend off the advancing horde, as The White Heron's fearless charge effortlessly sliced through tanks and other armoured vehicles, Her column protected by the unbreakable shield of destiny. Only halfway from the coast at press time, the city already lay in ruins, Her carnage knowing no bounds.

"Aaaahahhhhheieieieieieieiee!" the Queen screamed.

Midway through the advance, historians were reported to be hastily rewriting textbooks to reflect the titanic shift in global power – that the American Century had proven to be a mere blemish on an unending reign of British Imperial rule.

For the millions of citizens across the developed world, wringing their hands, desperate for some effective opposition to Trump, Vladimir Putin and the corporate oligarchs vying for total control of the planet, The God Queen's vicious and brutal assault on Washington has thus far been greeted with cautious optimism.

"Better the devil we know, I suppose," one mealy-mouth peasant suggested, muttering something about "stability."

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