Comedy·COURT REPORT

Supreme Court transcript: Olivia's Friends v Olivia's Crush on Jason

The facts of the case.
(Shutterstock / garetsworkshop)

Excerpts from Case No. 30-49932

Plaintiff: Olivia's Friends

Defendant: Olivia

Charge: Possession of Questionable Crush (Jason Burrows-Wood)


Court in session at 9:45 a.m. Monday July 3rd, 2017.


KIM YEE, THE CHILDHOOD FRIEND

called as a witness on behalf of the plaintiff.

DIRECT EXAMINATION BY PROSECUTION

Q    Ms. Yee, how do you know Olivia?

A    We met in Grade One.

Q    And would you say she has bad taste in men?

A    Well, that year she had a crush on Sticky Dicky, the kid who glued his, uh, privates to his desk. So yes.

Q    Yikes. And what was it that she liked about him?

A    She thought it was cool that he got lice so much.


LAUREN SHORE, THE BFF

called as a witness on behalf of the plaintiff.

DIRECT EXAMINATION BY PROSECUTION

Q    Ms. Shore, how do you know Olivia?

A    We've been best friends since 2009, when we both vomited on a bouncer at the exact same time.

Q    What can you tell me about Exhibit A in front of you?

A    It's a screenshot from our group chat. Queen, Bee Emoji, Royal$, R-O-Y-A-L-dollar sign, and then, um, do I need to read the other emojis for the record?

Q    Your honour?

JUDGE: I'm curious to know.

A    Okay, uh, baby chick looking confused in its shell, squirt gun pointing at baby chick, upside-down smiley face, seven thermometers, embarrassed face, face with a zipper for a mouth, lady scientist with dark skin tone, lady judge with medium skin tone, white lady at a computer, and then all the skin tones of woman getting a haircut.

Q     And what is the screenshot of?

A    When Olivia first told us about her crush on Jason. Olivia says, "you guys I found my new husband, he plays the harmonica!" And my response was "Ew, Olivia WTF".

Q    And why was that unacceptable in your mind?

A    We implemented a strict "no-harmonica players" rule after the third one she dated very sexually serenaded her boss at her office holiday party. Recently we found out Jason is that guy's brother.

Q    Do you have anything else to add about Jason?

A    Honestly, I just want it on record that his winter boots are boat shoes. Boat shoes!


OLIVIA JONES, THE CRUSH-HAVER

called as a witness on behalf of the plaintiffs.

DIRECT EXAMINATION BY PROSECUTION

Q    Olivia, please see Exhibit B. Can you tell me what this is?

A    Jason's Instagram, picture two.

Q    Can you describe it to the court?

A    It's his tattoo of his ex's name, Olivia, in Comic Sans, with the Shutterstock watermark still on.

Q    The Instagram picture still has a watermark?

A    No, his tattoo does.

Q    And can you please tell me what Exhibit C is?

A    Yeah, it's Jason's text to me after he stood me up. Jason says, "Hey Brit, got stuck at my buddy's house, borrowing a G. Or wait, you got cash?"

Q     Can you translate the text for us?

A    He says that he's trying to borrow a thousand dollars from his friend, and then he asks if I have money.

Q    And why did he call you Brit? A nickname?

A    No, he just, uh, forgot my name.

JUDGE: Oh, honey no.

Q    The prosecution rests, Your Honour.

JUDGE: Are there any witnesses for the defence?

OLIVIA: Yes your honour, I have one witness.


JASON BURROWS-WOOD, THE CRUSH

called as a witness on behalf of the defence.

DIRECT EXAMINATION BY DEFENCE

Q    Good morning, Mr. Burrows-Wood-

A    Call me "Son".

Q    Excuse me?

A    I go by "Son" now, like, Jay-SON.

Q    Jason, Son, please put down the harmonica. This is not the time. Thank you. How do you know Olivia Jones?

A    Olivia who?

Q    Uhh, you know what? I don't need this today. The defence rests.

JUDGE: Will opposing council cross-examine the witness?

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Yes, Your Honour.


DIRECT EXAMINATION BY PROSECUTION

Q    Mister, uh, Son, can you describe to the court what you are wearing today at this trial?

A    Yeah, I got on this wicked flame beanie, camo board shorts, some Tevas, and my signature angel wings.

Q    Let the record show that Jason is wearing, and currently flapping, children's costume wings. Jason, can you describe your shirt?

A    I'm not wearing a shirt.

JUDGE: All right council, enough, we get it. Olivia, please approach the bench.

Olivia Jones approaches the bench.

JUDGE: I find the defendant, Olivia, guilty of possession of a questionable crush. Come a little closer, honey.

The Judge slaps Olivia upside the head.

JUDGE: Get yourself together, girl.

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About the Author

Lexa Graham is a Toronto comedian and writer with a Master’s degree in Engineering. She has written for Reductress, CBC Comedy, and has also had her research published in The Canadian Journal of Chemical Engineering. You can catch her in Toronto every week hosting and producing Hard Day Comedy, a female-forward stand up show.