Sun-Blessed Turkey Mist and other items at Gwyneth Paltrow's holiday dinner party

Are your eggplants truly their best selves?

Whispered Eggplant Essence

Are your eggplants truly their best selves? Like any of us, eggplants have to be coaxed out from behind their constant façades, and they rely on our encouragement, patience, and support to fully emerge as the best, most vibrant organisms they can possibly be. The 8-10 eggplants you see in this dish are not just any, ordinary supermarket eggplants, though they certainly began that way, poor darlings! I, Gwyneth Gary Paltrow, have tucked them into bed with me every night for the past month, tenderly whispering to each one to go forth in the world with confidence and grace as they rested their small, plump bodies under my forty-thousand-thread-count linen sheets. You'll taste the difference.

Potatoes That Have Been Invited To Mash Themselves

The act of mashing potatoes is a violent assumption on the part of the masher, who arrogantly and unilaterally decides that the potatoes wish to be mashed. In this traditional Goopian dish, beloved among the mansion tribes, I, Gwyneth Gary Paltrow, place a bowl of raw potatoes on a small silver table in a beam of direct sunlight and beside a whisk, conscientiously inviting the potatoes to mash themselves if and only if "mashed" is the the identity they happen to feel most aligned with that day.

Probiotic Brussels Sprout Prayers

These glorious green miracles have been braised in balsamic vinaigrette and then almost too thoroughly tossed in a probiotic truthdust and finally arranged on a bronze platter into the shape of two hands praying. There's simply no reason why we can't improve our gut flora while practicing gratitude at the same time. Blessings!

Spiced Aura Of Courgette

It may be quite difficult for you North Americans to understand, but a courgette is what Brits call a summer squash. A zucchini, if you will, and even if you won't! So! Please enjoy this oven-roasted courgette, which is a British zucchini in case you forgot or still don't understand, that's been lightly sprinkled with nutmeg and cardamom and then immediately thrown in the garbage but good heavens, the atmosphere surrounding the place it once stood is just delicious. So light and heavenly on the tongue.

Consciously Quintupled Gravy Ingredients

The flour. The chicken stock. The water. The herbs. The butter. Instead of hastily assembling these five beautiful, delectable items in a bowl and thoughtlessly robbing them of their unique, individual spirits, I've made a point of deliberately emboldening them to span time together, tear down those emotional walls that separate them and really bleed into each other's lives in order to form the dish known as "gravy" that we all know and adore.

Exhaled Ginger Intentions

As any dinner party of mine is a strictly sugarless event, I'd like you to experience traditional holiday dessert as it was always meant to be experienced: as a vague and distant memory. I, Gwyneth Gary Paltrow, have prepared this dessert by slowly inhaling a large mixing bowl of ginger and then gently exhaling the pleasing ginger scent through my perfect nose into individual crystal parfait glasses, one for each guest. As a calmly zany person, I like to have fun with toppings: Whipped Superiority and Judgment Sprinkles are two of my favourites. Wonderful!

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About the Author

Sophie Kohn


Sophie Kohn is writer and producer with CBC Comedy, a stand-up comedian in Toronto, and a graduate of Second City's Conservatory program.