Comedy·POLITENMENT

Suggested additions to the Canadian lexicon

Here are 15 new terms that capture the unique beauty and frustration of living life in this gloriously strange and specific nation.

It's a very particular experience to be Canadian, and I'm sorry, but the one million words in the English language simply aren't going to cut it. Here are 15 new terms that capture the unique beauty and frustration of living life in this gloriously strange and specific nation.

Flabbervasted: The feeling of having driven on the highway for 14 hours straight and yet somehow you're still in Ontario.

Misnowmer: A term describing the technical arrival of "spring" but there's a bullshit blizzard outside in late April.

Politenment: When two people standing in front of an open door alternate saying "After you!" so many times that their souls get bored and leave their bodies.

To ignorth (of an American citizen): To deliberately refuse to follow Canadian politics, pop culture, or acquaint oneself even minimally with what's going on in Canada.

Vaincouverite: One who will not go nine seconds without reminding you that he's from BC and the lifestyle is so much healthier out there.

American't: To be unable to process a single second more of the shitshow going on south of the border.

Caneurysm: A loud public freak-out brought on by the realization that a celebrity is Canadian and you need everyone around you to know it.

Apathermal (of an outfit): You can either look sexy or you can be warm, but not both. Today, the need to be warm has won out and you just straight-up don't care about the rest.

Beeneficiary: A nearby person who is forced to listen to you shout-sing "AAAAIIIIT'S BAAANE!!" when the BNL song "One Week" comes on, and even when it doesn't.

A rockening: To sit quietly with some poutine and force yourself to confront the question of why you're on so many curling teams.

Curdiac arrest: A state of medical distress where you've eaten so much poutine you've lost track of time and now you're late for curling. Also, you died.

Sweepheart: An attractive person on your curling league you'd like to ask out for some poutine.

To concurd: To totally agree that we should all go get some poutine after Friday's humongous bonspiel.

Baby broomers: The seven different Gladyses on your curling team who refuse to hang up their team shirts and make room for the younger generation who want to do more than just sit around and eat poutine all day!!

Hortcoming: When the Timmy's inside your local curling arena isn't one of the convenient locations across Ontario that offers poutine. :(

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About the Author

Sophie Kohn

Writer/Producer

Sophie Kohn is writer and producer with CBC Comedy, a stand-up comedian in Toronto, and a graduate of Second City's Conservatory program.

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