Comedy·SOAP GENE

STUDY: Cilantro not thrilled about 50% of population either

While we think about whether or not we like cilantro, we never stop and ask what it thinks of us.

TORONTO, ON—While we think about whether or not we like cilantro, we never stop and ask what it thinks of us. A new study from the Centre for Vegetable Feelings finds that cilantro doesn't really care for your shit, either.

The study, which surveyed nearly 20,000 cilantros, found that people are polarizing. "Some people taste like soap, while others are literally Nazis," explains one cilantro bunch. "And not all of us bunches like those things."

The direct cause of some cilantros' distaste for people is up for debate.

While some argue that the disdain of humans is genetic, in a blind test, most cilantros couldn't correctly identify whether or not they liked people.

Lisa Enriquez, lead scientist on the study, found pettiness to also be a huge factor.

"Often, when cilantro found out that they weren't liked, they would then say that it's fine because they didn't like people anyway," says Enriquez. "They would also add that they're pretty happy right now just doing their own thing and don't need a person to define their happiness."

But not all cilantro is open about its opinions.

The study also found that some cilantro don't care for humans, but keep their preferences secret out of fear of no longer getting work in Indian kitchens across the country.

However, others are open about their preferences.

"I don't like people," says one bunch. "And I'm pretty sure you could just replace all of them with parsley and no one would really notice the difference."

Because of the subjective factor, pro-people cilantros have recommended trying people only a tiny bit at a time, so they're easier to deal with.

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