Comedy·ATHLETICS

Sports Minister announces mini golf to now be called "golf", golf to be called "large golf"

Canada’s Minister of Sport Qualtrough did unveiled one piece of alarming news, namely that “mini golf” will now assume the name of “golf,” and what we have previously known as golf will be called “large golf”.

OTTAWA, ON—In an otherwise routine Monday morning briefing, Canada's Minister of Sport and Persons With Disabilities Carla Qualtrough did unveil one piece of alarming news, namely that "mini golf" will now assume the name of "golf," and what we have previously known as golf will be called "large golf".

"According to Statistics Canada, the game of mini golf has grown in popularity every year for the past two decades," says Qualtrough. "It's simple, it's more affordable, and just generally more accessible to the average person. I think it's time it inherits the title of "golf". Golf—or what we previously knew as golf—will be just fine."

Reached for comment, Oakwoods Golf Club pro Bill Watt was measured in his reaction. "I guess I'm fine with it if they don't change any of the basics of the game. The way she explained it, there won't be a huge club, or a five-pound ball or anything. Right? If it doesn't change the way I go about my day, I don't necessarily have any major reservations about it. It's just words. I will say though, I have no idea why they making this change all of a sudden. Seems like they would have bigger fish to fry."

By contrast, the excitement of avid mini-golfer Zach Irwin was palpable. "Every mini-golfer feels the stigma of that title. We've put up with it for years. But what's so mini about it? You still have to put the ball in the hole; in fact, it's just back to basics. And how far away is the hole in 'large golf'? 500 yards? That is really big!"

At press time, there were no other planned name changes to recreational or professional sports, but the minister said they were open to anything, including changing the name of beach volleyball to "volleyball," and regular volleyball to "sandless volleyball".

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