Comedy·OCH AYE?

Scotland to hold new referendum on whether to deep-fry entire country

In a stunning move no doubt spurred on by the results of last year’s Brexit campaign, First Minister of Scotland Nicola Sturgeon has called for yet another referendum in her country

ABERDEEN, UK—In a stunning move no doubt spurred on by the results of last year's Brexit campaign, First Minister of Scotland Nicola Sturgeon has called for yet another referendum in her country so that Scots can finally take their destiny in their own hands, and decide for themselves whether to take that ultimate leap and deep-fry the entire country.

"I think it is clear that the progression of history has been leading toward this moment for years, if not decades, if not centuries—or whenever the technique of cooking by submerging battered food in hot oil was first developed," said Sturgeon in a speech made from the front steps of the Ashvale Fish Restaurant. "I'm no history expert in that area, but what I do know is that a vote for 'Yes' on FryScot is a vote for progress, a vote for independence, and a vote for deliciousness."

"Frankly, I'm completely in favour of the move," said Wallace Williamson. "Scotland deserves to choose its direction, and clearly we have been voting with our money and our dietary choices lo these many years. If you want to be careful, try it out on just Edinburgh first, but if that works, go for it! Finally, freedom!!!"

Calum Stroman, a Scottish metalworker who described himself as "monumentally and firmly undecided," said that he was hesitant because he is unsure about the safety of the move. "I don't know about you, but I've never heard of an entire country being deep-fried. I'm open to any idea, but if we're going to be the first place ever to try it, we need to be careful. Is it safe or will we all be kilt? Ha, just making a joke there, the Scottish actually have an excellent sense of humour. Hey by the way, doesn't a referendum sound like a referee for a very sophisticated soccer game? No, but the thing about Scotland is th—" he continued.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have deep-fried virtually everything over the years," said Sturgeon, concluding her speech. "We've deep-fried Mars Bars, we've deep-fried mystery meats—I mean, what the heck is a King Rib—and we've even deep-fried butter! How do you deep-fry butter, it's not even… you know?! That's far enough; there's only one thing left, and it's time to finally jump the shark. Or should I say: the sturgeon," she winked.

At press time, UK Prime Minister Theresa May was demanding to know who would pay for the 436,000 stone (or 13,428,800 kilograms) of flour required for the operation should the vote pass.

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