Comedy·POLITICS

Sauron accuses Gandalf of shire-tapping

Things are heating up in Middle Earth, as the evil Sauron has caused waves of political upheaval from Gondor to Gorgoroth by accusing Gandalf of shire-tapping Hobbiton.

MORDOR, D.C.—Things are heating up in the already intriguing political world of Middle Earth, as the evil Sauron has caused waves of political upheaval from Gondor to Gorgoroth by accusing Gandalf of shire-tapping Hobbiton.

Humans, Elves, and dwarves alike have stated that they believe this to be wildly paranoid thinking on behalf of Sauron, who does not even live in the shire, but rather behind the Black Gate. However, he wants to be able to be free to go wherever he wants, especially on weekends, and believes that Gandalf has installed devices to hear him wherever he may travel.

Sauron, a known narcissist, believes that Gandalf spends all his waking hours thinking about him, whereas he is in actuality merely relaxing and enjoying his retirement—smoking, partying, and setting off fireworks.

"This is actually hugely inconvenient," said Sauron via a giant, radiant eye that he said wasn't crying, he just got something in it.

"It's sad that Gandalf is so obsessed with what I do. I'm just here, working hard, trying to destroy everything, and he's fixed on me!"

To avoid detection and Gandalf's ear, Sauron said he was considering starting to appear as something other than an eye when manifesting without his body.

"What about just some hair? I've always wanted to be some lovely hair. That's nice," he said.

"No wait, a huge hand!!!! Yeah. The biggest hand in all the land."

At press time, Sauron was holding court on Tom Bombadil's golf course and continuing to stand by the accusations even after they had been denied not only by opponents like, Legolas, Bilbo, Arwen, Galadriel, and Gandalf himself, but also Ancalagon the Black, the Witch-King of Angmar, Azog, Bolg, and every single one of the Ringwraiths.

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