Double-0-Never

QUIZ: Which promising actor should enter a comfy career coffin by playing outdated character James Bond?

The names of many talented actors and actresses are being bandied about to replace Daniel Craig and play the role of James Bond, a staple of the silver screen since 1962. Which of them should forgo the numerous interesting roles they’re no doubt destined to play over the next decade, in order to hold a gun and wear a fancy outfit and defend the honour of the world as it last was in roughly 1965?
(Shutterstock / Twocoms)

With Daniel Craig rumoured to be making returning for only one more turn as James Bond, the names of many talented actors and actresses are being bandied about to play the role of the secret agent, a staple of the silver screen since 1962.

Which of them should forgo the numerous interesting roles they're no doubt destined to play over the next decade, in order to hold a gun and wear a fancy outfit and defend the honour of the world as it last was in roughly 1965?

#1 - Though the character of James Bond is Scottish, Irishman Pierce Brosnan played him for years. Which of these talented Irish actors would you like to see give up on acting to hit on women without grace and get slapped immediately?

A) Michael Fassbender has been hailed as perhaps the greatest dramatic actor of his generation. One wonders if he's also the great hold-a-drink-and-smirk-but-also-scowl actor of his generation. Let's find out and waste all of our time.

B) Colin Farrell has found an interesting second act in his career in quirky dramas like Yorgos Lanthimos' films and the stunning In Bruges. I would like his third act to be him ceasing to challenge himself. Like, at all!

C) Clondalkin-born Aidan Turner seems to be high on all the lists of potential Bonds. I've never heard of him. It should be him so we don't lose anybody I have heard of.

#2 - There has been speculation that the 7th big-screen Bond will be a woman. Whom should that be?

A) I'm not interested in seeing Cate Blanchett do further challenging work.

B) Charlize Theron should be the first woman to enter this cinematic straitjacket.

C) I would like Emily Blunt's promising career trajectory to be cut off surprisingly early.

#3 - Though the character demands a certain physicality, he can be played by an older performer — Roger Moore was 58 when he hung up his tuxedo or whatever the dude wears all the time. Which of these elder statesactors should waste his golden years on something completely unworthy of him?

A) Colin Firth, 57, should do basically what he's been doing lately, but in a more boring way.

B) Liam Neeson, 63, should do basically what he's been doing lately, but in a more cynical way.

C) Patrick Stewart, 78, should, instead of returning to a rich and cerebral character in Jean-Luc Picard, cancel those plans and just stand around making awful sex puns.

If you chose any of these answers, to any of these questions, why do you hate these actors so much?

Except maybe Aidan Turner. Maybe you don't even know too much about him. We certainly don't.

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About the Author

Jeremy Woodcock

Jeremy has been a staff writer for This Hour Has 22 Minutes, performed stand-up comedy at the Just For Laughs and Winnipeg Comedy Festivals, and co-created/stars in the popular video series The Urbane Explorer/Finding Bessarion. A 3x Canadian Comedy Award–winner and published humour columnist, he also wrote your favourite joke, the one about the fish trying to get a job at a bank.