QUIZ: Beauty magazine headline or passive aggressive statement from my doctor?

You’re a healthy gal with incredible self-esteem. Are you savvy enough to tell a beauty magazine headline from a passive aggressive statement from my family doctor?

You're a healthy gal with incredible self-esteem. You've just gone for your annual physical and are feeling fresh and alive like the sentient human woman you are (when you're not blackout drunk). Are you savvy enough to tell a beauty magazine headline from a passive aggressive statement from my family doctor? Take this quiz and find out!

1. "For a healthy heart in life and love, lose 30 lbs immediately with squats you can do while driving!"

A: Beauty magazine headline. If you're committed enough to your personal fitness, your body will adapt to any environment in order to enable you to work those glutes. Next time you're driving, try engaging your lower body while you press firmly on the gas and brakes. By the time you step out of your vehicle, your backside will be noticeably fimer.

2. "Take several hawt vitamins per day for shinier looking hair."

A: Beauty magazine headline. It's a proven fact that taking folic acid can help promote healthy nail and hair growth by helping your body produce new cells. Adding regular folic acid intake to your daily regimen can help you win over that sly looking bartender by making your mane look shiny enough to brush and pet like the prize-winning mare you are. Neigh.

3. "Wow, Shannon, how many doctor's appointments do you need?"

A: Passive aggressive statement from my doctor. I Google a lot of my symptoms and see Dr. Plip several times a month for verification on my findings. I treat my health card like a monthly metropass.

4. "Check out these hot vacation destinations that will make you wish you brought your EpiPen."

A: Beauty magazine headline. EpiPens are an important item to carry with you wherever you go, especially if you're allergic to things like wasps, the sunshine, and having a nice time.

5. "Shannon, you have HPV again."

A: Passive aggressive statement from my doctor. I do indeed have HPV again. This is the third time in the last four years. Needless to say, I'm being screened every three months now instead of the government's "every three years" policy. Thanks, Dr Plip.

6. "Here are some hot sex moves to get your heart rate pumping"

A: Beauty magazine headline. This one is tricky, because my doctor always encourages cardiovascular fitness but rarely gives sex advice apart from "Try the NuvaRing!" The moves outlined in this article include a hot take on the missionary position (don't move at all) and a hotter take on the missionary position (open and close your eyes).

7. "Shannon. Please don't call me at home."

A: Passive-aggressive statement from my doctor. I called my doctor at home because his office hours are only on Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday and it was Monday and I needed to ask a question about a skin tag I found on my neck.

8. "You have to stop exclusively eating Hot Pockets. There aren't enough nutrients in them to sustain you."

A: Beauty magazine headline. An opinion piece that sounds suspiciously like it was written by Dr. Plip.  

9. "Waist-training is a fun new way to rearrange your internal organs!"

A: Beauty magazine headline. Waist-training is super-hot right now. If you want to look and feel like a woman from the early 18th century with a lifespan of 30–40 years, try this new fashion trend!

10. "Shannon. You can't take those tongue depressors with you when you leave. I need them for my other patients."

A: Passive aggressive statement from my doctor. I love to take souvenirs with me from the doctor's office. It makes me feel like I'm a medical professional instead of just an employee at The Sunglass Hut. Ask me about our Ray Bans.

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About the Author

Allana is currently performing with the Mainstage cast for The Second City’s 80th revue, Party Today, Panic Tomorrow. She is a two-time Canadian Comedy Award nominee & past winner of the Tim Sims Encouragement Fund Award. Most recently, her credits include writing for Comedy Network’s THE BEAVERTON, on which she also plays Beauty Expert, Amber. Her solo characters were featured in both the Toronto Sketch Comedy Festival and Montreal Sketch Comedy Festival’s Best of the Fest shows, and earned her a spot in JFL42’s New Faces Character showcase. She can be seen performing around Toronto with troupe, Panacea (Top 10 Comedy Shows of 2015, Now Magazine & Torontoist). Allana is a proud alumna of The Sketchersons. Yes we blam!