Police finally subdue Mark's Work Werewolf
MILTON, ON—After a hunt spanning several months, the Ontario Provincial Police have finally tracked down and subdued Mark's Work Werewolf, the blood-thirsty and practically dressed monster who has torn a grisly swath of terror through the province, and whose functional yet fashionable attire ensures it's equally at home on the job or on the weekend.
Following a trail of animal scraps, graphic t-shirts, and decent gloves, authorities were able to track Mark's Work Werewolf to a remote man-cave in the woods outside Halton Region.
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"Thankfully, the monster wasn't in its lair upon our arrival," explained Samuel Bell, a tracker hired by the OPP to assist in the investigation. "And judging by the selection of windbreakers it had been rifling through, it had really been trying to pick the perfect windbreaker before it headed out. So we had a little time."
Knowing that directly engaging a supernatural monster dressed for both comfort and mobility would be suicide, Bell set up a crude net-trap which was then baited with a neatly folded stack of Flextech light-wash stretch jeans (a highly desirable item to werewolves, who tend to rip non-stretch jeans on transformation). When Mark's Work Werewolf returned and attempted to seize the jeans, police sprang from the darkness, unloading several rounds of tranquilizer darts into its Denver Hayes wrinkle-resistant slim-fit dress shirt.
As the sun rose, Mark's Work Werewolf resumed its original form, and was revealed to be local office manager Greg Cordero.
"Honestly this one's kind of on us," admitted OPP Sergeant Kim Porter, "every time there was about to be a full moon, or the kind of weather where you'd want good boots, Greg would run into the station and tell us he was a monster, and that we had to lock him up. We just never believed him, he looked so normal. He was wearing, like, THE DEFINITION of normal clothes."
At press time, Cordero is in hospital undergoing extensive testing, and appears to be in stable condition. His shirt, while covered in viscera and riddled with dart-holes, remains reliably wrinkle-free.
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