Comedy·IMPEACHY KEEN

NEW STREET DRUG: A dealer falsely tells you Trump has been impeached

“A dealer meets you on a street corner, or in an alley, and tells you that President Trump has been impeached. Of course that’s not true, inexplicably, but for the minute or so that you believe it, a feeling of euphoria will course through your veins so hard that you’ll almost pass out from the high.”
(Shutterstock / SeeSaw GmbH)

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

The World Health Organization is alerting the world of a new drug craze that appears to have originated in the States and spread rapidly throughout the rest of the entire world. So enormous in scope is this new street drug and so powerful are its effects that the WHO commissioned an emergency task force, the Drug Analysis Team, or WHO DAT, to investigate and then share its findings at a press conference this morning.

"Okay look, the drug works like this," explained lead researcher Mason MacDonald. "A dealer meets you on a street corner, or in an alley, and tells you that President Trump has been impeached. Of course that's not true, inexplicably, but for the minute or so that you believe it, a feeling of euphoria will course through your veins so hard that you'll almost pass out from the high."

Anonymous users of this new drug, commonly known as Peach, describe the following sensations:

"I felt a warm glow spreading through my blood. The world looked absolutely beautiful. Hope returned to my heart. I burst into tears of joy and gratitude. It was unlike any high I've ever known."

"Oh my god, the adrenaline and pure electricity. I rushed into the street and hugged thirteen strangers."

"It's an absolutely phenomenal drug, but the comedown is spectacularly awful. When you log onto Twitter and find out Trump is in fact still the president, you spend the next few days in the deepest, darkest depths of agony and despair. Even so, I think it's worth it for the hourlong high."

Indeed, some medical professionals have expressed concern about the hard turn from the stratospheric high into the crushing low that can last indefinitely depending on the user. Such a gear-shift can be difficult on the system, but research shows it's nowhere near as difficult on the system as having Donald Trump for a president.

Despite the dizzying speed at which the drug has spread to every nation on the planet, the WHO isn't taking any particularly urgent steps to put a stop to the craze.

"To be perfectly honest, people need, even for just a quick, 40-minute chunk of time, to believe that the world is a good place again and the U.S. president is no longer a barely sentient temper tantrum," explained MacDonald. "Okay, to be super, super-honest, I am a regular user of the drug. And god, it is fantastic."

Don't miss anything from CBC Comedy - like us on Facebook and Instagram.

About the Author

Sophie Kohn

Writer/Producer

Sophie Kohn is writer and producer with CBC Comedy, a stand-up comedian in Toronto, and a graduate of Second City's Conservatory program.

now