NAFTA: A list of things Trump is demanding from Canada
NAFTA talks are a-stallin' and with the SEVENTH round of negotiations now taking place in Mexico, Canadians are wondering why it's taking so long.
Just how impossible are Trump's demands? CBC Comedy has obtained exclusive insight of what exactly America is asking us for:
1. Rename NAFTA
The first item on the agenda is to scrap NAFTA's current name, "The North American Free Trade Agreement" and rename it "The Number One Amazing Trump Rules Agreement."
Of course, this comes with the very small one-time fee of $250,000 and a recurring $50,000 payment every year after that for the next five years. Because if you want to use the Trump name, it's going to cost some serious coin. These figures are, naturally, in US dollars.
2. Move the CN Tower
President Trump wants to put it on top of the Seattle space needle and make the world's tallest freestanding structure. The assembly will take place at his Mar-a-Lago property where the structure will live out its days in the Florida sun. At that point though, I'm pretty sure the apocalypse will be imminent, or as Trump supporters call it, the rapture.
3. Full custody of Celine Dion
4. Trade New Jersey for Alberta
Trump is calling this a big win for America. Trading Canada's Texas for America's Saskatchewan might not sound bad at first, because Jersey-Canadians would enjoy a 0% sales tax as well as living a short car ride away from New York. But giving up Alberta would mean relinquishing the Edmonton Oilers, actual oil, the Calgary stampede, and Canada's only Muslim mayor. Plus, who would Vancouver look down on?
5. Prime Minister Justin Trudeau must be 30% less good-looking when posing next to President Trump in a photo
We all know that this is impossible: he is a very handsome man. Even if Trudeau stopped his daily regimen of planking and shirtless jogging and started on all-poutine diet, gained 30 pounds and shaved off his luscious head of hair, I still don't think this would be possible. Also, how could we risk Sophie leaving him?
6. Ivanka to be Canada's Vice Prime Minister
Ivanka is going to be President of the United States one day and really needs to cram as much as experience as she can before she runs.
7. Fox News Canada
Trump would like Canada to have its own Fox News Channel where Canadians talk about the amazing things Trump is doing for them. He wants Ben Mulroney to play the part of Sean Hannity. Finally! The end of fake news for Canada!
8. Ask Robert Mueller to investigate Canada
Trump would like to share the fun and magical experience of having an independent investigator attack-investigate you. He'd like Canada to have him over and look into our country's collusion and obstruction of justice with Russia.
9. Lift the ban on Putin
Trump would like Canada to lift its ban of Vladimir Putin. We had no idea we were banning Vladimir Putin. But Canada will continue to ban him until America stops banning Muslims. Nothing we can do about this.
Good luck Chrystia Freeland, and may be the odds be ever in your favour.
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