Comedy·OMINOUS

Man immediately hurls himself into sea after receiving text ending in a period

Musician Graham Sharkey hurled himself into the Atlantic Ocean after receiving an utterly bone-chilling text.

HALIFAX, NS—Local musician Graham Sharkey, 36, reports that he "had a good run", but due to an utterly bone-chilling text he received this morning, he has immediately hurled himself into the Atlantic Ocean rather than face the obviously catastrophic fallout that will result from engaging with the message any further.

The text, sent at 9:41 am local time from friend Caleb Lowther, read simply: "Thanks for coming."

Sharkey explains that although the text appears to be thanking him for attending the party Lowther had thrown the night before, the period at the end of the thought leaves Sharkey no choice but to assume a much darker, more sinister intent behind the message.

"Think of all the ways he could have ended that text if he cared about me at all," Sharkey sobs as he wades with immense physical effort into the freezing waters of the Atlantic. "An exclamation point. Five, even. A pineapple emoji. A smiley cat face. Something. Anything. Anything to indicate that I am in fact a cherished friend and not someone he intends to finally murder behind a Radio Shack at dawn."

Sharkey says the ominous period at the end of the text has caused him to fixate on his behaviour at last night's gathering, and that he has thought of nothing else since this morning.

"He's clearly pissed," Sharkey says, wading up to his chest and fighting back tears. "I very obviously did something last night that he just hated with every fibre of his being. An absolutely unforgivable transgression. I can't think of what, though. I chatted with six different Lindsays, drank two beers and went home in an Uber."

"Maybe I was drunker than I realized?????" he continued, submerged at this point to his chin. "All I know is last night, I, Graham Sharkey, let down my best friend in an unspeakably heinous way, and I can't bear to remain on land to find out how. I'll be here, treading water, until this blows over and we both forget it ever happened. Goodbye for now."

At press time, Sharkey was seen flinging his iPhone 5S onto the sand and turning to face the horizon where he'd spend the next seventeen hours obsessing over his every word and deed at that party, a haunted shell of the man he once was.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Sophie Kohn

Writer/Producer

Sophie Kohn is writer and producer with CBC Comedy, a stand-up comedian in Toronto, and a graduate of Second City's Conservatory program.

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