Comedy·DREAMS COME TRUE

Loud know-it-all in nosebleed seats named new manager of Blue Jays

Doug Barnaby has been scream-coaching the Toronto Blue Jays from section 539 of the Rogers Centre for 12 straight years.

TORONTO, ON—Doug Barnaby has been scream-coaching the Toronto Blue Jays from section 539 of the Rogers Centre for 12 straight years, his only payment in eye-rolls and repeated requests for him to shut up.

However, his commitment to baseball finally paid off during the fourth inning of Wednesday's home game, when Blue Jays president and CEO Mark Shapiro happened to overhear Barnaby's slurred bellows.

"I heard a voice cry, 'Just hit the damn ball, Martin!' It was like a divine intervention," said Shapiro, who claimed he was in section 536 because it serves the freshest popcorn. "I felt like Kevin Costner in Field of Dreams, just with less boring corn and more cool money."

Shapiro chased the voice through the stands and immediately named Barnaby manager of the team.

Unfortunately, due to Barnaby sitting hundreds of feet from home plate and the basic physics of sound travel, catcher Russell Martin did not hear Barnaby's direction and thus failed to hit the ball, stranding three runners on base.

"If he had heard Barnaby's astute guidance, Martin's batting average would probably be, like, a thousand right now as opposed to its current .048," said Shapiro, who is completely wrong. 

Following Wednesday's disappointing 2-0 loss to the Milwaukee Brewers, then-manager John Gibbons was promptly fired.

"It's okay — I understand," Gibbons said in a press conference, daintily dabbing his eyes with a handkerchief. "All the best managers in the MLB are guys with no experience who were plucked from the stands after yelling plays loud enough. I mean, that's how the Cubs won the World Series — by having the loudest, drunkest fan base."

Third baseman Josh Donaldson said he is surprised it took the organization so long to make the move.

"You want to know how I won my MVP award? By ignoring my coaches and just listening to dudes in the bleachers," Donaldson said. "I also take all my personal grooming advice from an intoxicated hot dog vendor who yells haircuts at me."

However, not everyone is happy with Shapiro's decision.

When you sit that far away you can see what everyone is doing wrong.- Doug

Jays fan Aaron Goldman said he has been yelling at the Blue Jays since 1996, and that he is normally much louder and yells more frequently than Barnaby. "Typical garbage move by Shapiro!" Goldman screamed from section 541 in an unsolicited interview.

When asked if the rash decision had anything to do with the Blue Jays' abysmal 1-7 start to the season, Shapiro said it was just a regular business move, and reiterated that he "was in Section 536 because of the superior popcorn, and definitely did not just take a wrong turn trying to escape the stadium to avoid watching the Jays lose yet again."

Barnaby makes his start as manager in tonight's game against the Baltimore Orioles. But instead of joining the Jays in the dugout, he will be coaching from his normal seat in section 539.

"When you sit that far away you can see what everyone is doing wrong," he screamed, despite standing less than two feet away from this reporter's tape recorder. "I can call strikes and balls from the nosebleeds way better than those idiot umps can do from behind the plate."

"Also, they don't allow Budweiser king cans in the clubhouse, so I pretty much have to sit in the 500s."

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