Comedy·RESOLUTIONS

Local gym offers new 'Realistic Membership' good from January 1-17

The Realistic Membership is good from January 1 to 17, and includes two additional and completely random visits, one in May, and another in November.
(Shutterstock / Jasminko Ibrakovic)

ABBOTSFORD, BC — A local gym, Great FlexPecsStations, has come out with a revolutionary new membership option this week, designed to encourage people to be brutally honest about the likelihood of sticking with their New Year's resolutions. The Realistic Membership is good from January 1 to 17, and includes two additional and completely random visits, one in May, and another in November.

"I mean, let's get serious," explains owner and personal trainer Peter Pollinmari. "I'm sick to heck of it. Hoards of folks brungle in here every January 1st with their floor-length spandex vests and their eyes full of determination. But by mid-January, this place is a ghost town, and then I end up taking fourteen Zumba classes per day because I feel just terrible for the instructor."

"Upshot is, I have tremendously loose hips," he adds.

Pollinmari says that after a few years of observing this pattern he was forced to revisit the membership system on offer at his gym and reflect on whether the limited options were perhaps contributing to the problem.

"Prior to 2017, we really only offered one type of membership," he explains. "It locked you in for forty-six years, and the only way to get out of it early was to ride a Mongolian yak at dawn across three different rivers, arrive at the gym anytime during the window between sunrise and one minute after sunrise, expertly perform a choreographed dance to Katy Perry's Roar and then fall to your knees and beg me for one full hour to terminate your contract."

Pollinmari says the new Realistic Membership passes have been selling extremely well so far.

"I mean, you won't get any of the neat and cool perks of our normal membership," he sighs. "No duffel bag — because really, what are you going to do with it for 49 weeks of the year? Instead, I give you a thumbs-up for 20 minutes."

Local high school teacher Corinne Nguyen says she purchased the new pass this morning and feels motivated already.

"It's 2017 and I'm making a fresh start!" she exclaims. "I'm finally going to start getting up early three times a week and working out how to avoid the gym for the vast majority of the year."

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