Comedy·TOIL IS TROUBLE

Light witchcraft rituals for those days when you just can't

We’ve all been there. Those days, or extended periods of time, when motivation is low.

We've all been there. Those days, or extended periods of time, when motivation is low.

If you happen to wake up on the dark side of the bed one morning, your sixth sense certain that your cat has coughed up a hairball somewhere and hidden it from plain sight, these simple practices are sure to reignite the magic in your morning.

Brewster Juice

In place of your usual morning black bean water, try this new concoction. Blend fresh fruit, Greek yogurt, a pinch of fibre supplement, and a dash of youth serum that's been extracted from the children society thinks you should have by now.

This instant energy boost will sustain you through a light late-morning jog. Use that time to think about what you're really running from. Exorcism is great for both body and spirit!

Light As A Feather, Stiff As A Broad

Get into meditation mode! Put the phone down and opt for a séance. Summon the spirit of the woman you want to be! Set the mood by lighting those candles you've been saving for a special occasion; this is it.

As a séance works best in groups of three, invite two best friends over and make an afternoon of it. Engage in nonsensical banter and gossip and fantasize about your future, all the while internally comparing yourself to one another and thinking, "I'm actually doing pretty okay."

Hocus Focus

If lack of momentum is persisting, consider acquiring a hobby, such as knitting.

Choose an array of calming colours, interwoven with intricacies of your hopes and dreams, to create a tapestry you'll be proud to display. Hang it on your wall for inspiration or lay it out as a doormat for when your mom comes to visit.

More of a glue-gun gal? Get your craft on by constructing a small, yet lifelike replica figurine doll-type-thing of that person you're definitely hate-following online. Please note: this is for therapeutic purposes only.

Fire Burn and Cauldron Bubble Bath

Perhaps a relaxing retreat is what you need. You already have those candles going; why not indulge in a luxurious and tranquil bath to revive your senses?

Dust off that Body Shop gift set Aunt Carol bought for you five birthdays ago (it's still good). Allow yourself to be overcome by the invigorating aroma of Satsuma, mixed with soothing natural salts from your tears.

Spa hack: Lightly mist your bathroom and boudoir with the essence of a long-gone relationship. You know, that on-again, off-again saga you've chosen to bottle up and store within the depths of your flimsy IKEA cabinet of a soul? But don't inhale too deeply!

Bonus! Sit at the edge of your bed and contemplate every life choice that has led you to this moment in time. After twenty to thirty minutes, put on some clothes. Pants, at least.

Don't miss anything from CBC Comedy - like us on Facebook.

About the Author

Melania Fedyna is a comedy writer, blogger, and roller derby skater. She is a graduate of Second City’s writing and improv programs.