Comedy·DON'T FALL OVER

Let's rank the seasons on a scale from not-autumn to best (autumn)

First of all let me just say that autumn is the best season by far, but sure, let’s go through this charade. Let’s figure out which season is the best (autumn) and which is the worst (the others, doesn’t really matter which is which, they kind of blur together actually).
(Shutterstock / Pindyurin Vasily)

First of all let me just say that autumn is the best season by far, but sure, let's go through this charade. Let's figure out which season is the best (autumn) and which is the worst (the others, doesn't really matter which is which, they kind of blur together actually).

BEST: AUTUMN

Pro: Is objectively the best season

Pro: Not one other "season" compares

Pro: It's autumn

Pro: It's not not-autumn

Pro: Just about everything else

Con: Longest possible wait until the next autumn

3rd WORST: NOT-AUTUMN #1 (a.k.a. Winter)

Pro: Chilly weather at times reminds one of autumn, but usually too cold, so not a full pro. I mostly retract this one.

Con: I mean, take your pick.

2nd WORST: NOT-AUTUMN #2 (a.k.a. False Autumn a.k.a. Spring)

Pro: Can remind you of autumn a little, if you don't have your guard up. Luckily I always have my guard up, as well as my "I LOVE AUTUMN" t-shirt on.

Con: It's a fake autumn, an autumn impostor. Similar temperature but none of the colours. Too much green! False hope! Or, actual hope, but still: ugh, hope!

This one's actually a contender for worst, because some people claim it has some of the same properties as autumn, which is a massive slight on autumn (the best season, if you remember from above).

And sure, it does. In the same sense that Woody Harrelson has some of the same properties as Michael Jordan: they both wear shorts a lot.

Its highly undeserved comparisons to autumn almost lead me to put it in last place, which, believe me, I would be glad to do, if it weren't for…

WORST: NOT-AUTUMN #3 (a.k.a. Summer)

Con: This is the least autumn-like of all the seasons.

Pro: Countdown to autumn is ON. BIG-TIME. We're getting close.

There. Those are the reasons, but there are also lots of others. Please, if you happen to glance at this sentence first for some reason, don't bother reading the article; I'm already embarrassed that I devoted so much space to the other three.

p.s. don't ever call it fall.

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About the Author

Jeremy has been a staff writer for This Hour Has 22 Minutes, performed stand-up comedy at the Just For Laughs and Winnipeg Comedy Festivals, and co-created/stars in the popular video series The Urbane Explorer/Finding Bessarion. A 3x Canadian Comedy Award–winner and published humour columnist, he also wrote your favourite joke, the one about the fish trying to get a job at a bank.