Comedy·NO BREAKS

ISO Nanny for a Spirited 33-Year-Old Woman

Seeking a hardworking, nurturing and reliable nanny for myself
(Shutterstock / New Africa)

Seeking a hardworking, nurturing and reliable nanny for myself. I am a 406-month-old woman who is fun and active but needs part-time help to compensate for my many shortcomings. I enjoy a variety of indoor and outdoor activities ranging from sitting on couches to sitting on patios. The perfect nanny for me is eager to create a fun, safe, and stimulating after-work environment.

The ideal candidate will be a great cook who can adapt their meal preparation to the latest fad diet. This week I'm following the Paleo diet, but I'm starting to wonder if it's smart to eat like cave people who only lived to be 35...

Next week, I may switch to the keto diet because an internet article I skimmed mentioned that it was a secret way to hack your metabolism. It would be great if you could also do all the grocery shopping, since I almost always walk out of there with just a basket full of white wine and Swiss rolls.

Cleaning is required because I tend to throw tantrums when it's my turn to vacuum. I also get pretty grossed out when the drain clogs, so you must be comfortable with massive hair balls. Emptying the dishwasher is crucial since if it's full, I will without question stack my dishes in the sink. If it's empty, there's a slight chance I may put my dirty dishes inside. No ironing is required, as I avoid purchasing fabrics that crinkle.

You should be able to dole out hard-handed discipline when I don't meet my deadlines (or if I try to sneak into the snack cupboard after midnight). While strictness is essential, the ideal nanny would also be very affectionate and willing to provide cuddles when I've had a bad day. Gold stars to be given when I've been a very good girl will be provided.

The perfect candidate will be skilled at making me look good on Instagram by supporting with hair, makeup, and nail art. My beauty regime currently consists of washing my face with bar soap once a day, so there's a lot of room for improvement.

You must also be available evenings to drink white wine and listen to my same drunken stories over and over. You should be able to lift and carry 160 pounds at least 15 feet if I open that third bottle of wine.

Although I'm looking for someone who shows strong leadership, it's absolutely essential that my nanny foster and encourage my independence.

Qualifications:

  • Experience caring for adult women
  • Safety consciousness (I am accident-prone)
  • First aid training (I am extremely accident-prone)
  • Advanced scheduling skills, as I frequently double-book myself
  • Alto-range singing voice for insomnia-soothing lullabies considered an asset
  • Degree in psychotherapy (optional)   

Compensation: Free accommodation (you take the bed, I'll sleep curled up in the closet), white wine.

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About the Author

Lauren Greenwood is a writer with an MFA in screenwriting, a stand-up comedian, and an improvisor currently in the Second City Conservatory Program. She's also a German-to-English screenplay translator, which is pretty beeindruckend!