Introducing Amazon Tradesies: we'll now take one item from your house for each item we deliver

We’re very excited about this new program, and are certain in will in no way ever be abused by anyone.
(Shutterstock / wavebreakmedia)

You may have heard about our recent proposal, the Amazon Key, which will allow an Amazon employee to open your door when delivering a package if you aren't home when they arrive to make their delivery.

We're very excited about this new program, and are certain in will in no way ever be abused by anyone.

But we're not finished there. We'll never be finished.

Today we are launching an exclusive and revolutionary new program, Amazon Tradesies, which will allow our delivery people, once inside, to take one item that you probably don't want in return for each item they deliver.

Each time you make an order, you will be presented with a menu wherein you can enter into our system a list of 100 items in your home that you wouldn't mind parting with, or your "Takesies List." Our patented Amazon Match system will then digitally "mark" those items so that the deliveryperson can quickly identify them, and take an item of his or her choosing.

We don't just believe in speed, efficiency, and generosity here at Amazon, though. We also believe in fairness.

That's why it is our promise to you that our employees will not overdo it, and will try at all times to take something of roughly equivalent value to that which they are delivering.

If they are delivering a DVD of a Will Ferrell movie, maybe they will take a copy of Trading Places starring Dan Aykroyd, the Will Ferrell of the 1980s. If they are delivering something that is unique and cannot find something vaguely equivalent in your home, they will simply leave a note that says "I WILL RETURN" and then we at headquarters will monitor your purchases going forward until you order something appropriate. We will then deliver you two of that item, and sometime when you are out: yoink, the employee will grab it. At no inconvenience to yourself.

We appreciate you placing your trust in our hands, as well as various items from your home. We won't let you down, and we'll eventually take everything you've got that we didn't give you.

Happy shopping!

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