Comedy·MID-LIFE CRISIS

Insecure about turning 150, Canada considers getting an earring

“When a country turns 150, it’s sort of the equivalent of a person turning 40 or 50,” explained leading political scientist Oates Hall.

OTTAWA, ON—As Canada approaches 150 years since Confederation, many Canadians are eager to celebrate the occasion. However, for one unexpected source, this milestone is causing some newfound insecurity.

"When a country turns 150, it's sort of the equivalent of a person turning 40 or 50," explained leading political scientist Oates Hall. "You're not super-old like England or China. But you're also not a kid anymore, like Palau. Middle age is kind of a hard thing to accept."

Hall believes that Canada's upcoming birthday has taken more of a toll on its psyche than it's letting on.

"Canada's definitely been trying to act a lot younger lately," sighed Hall. "Think about it. Legalizing marijuana, having a hot Prime Minister who's always shirtless – it's textbook midlife crisis stuff."

While Canada hasn't behaved too outlandishly in this respect, Hall is concerned that Canada's next move might be a bit more embarrassing.

"I have it on good authority that Canada is now considering getting an earring," revealed Hall. "Look, I'm all for expressing yourself, but an earring? At 150? To me, it just screams, 'hey look at me, I'm feeling insecure about my age'. I'm sorry, but Canada's just not going to be able to pull off the look."

Despite this upsetting news, Hall believes that Canadians should attempt to look on the bright side.

"Even if Canada does get a middle-aged ear piercing, it honestly could be worse," shrugged Hall. "At least it hasn't bought a motorcycle, or started dating someone much younger."

"Although," added Hall, "There are rumours that Canada has asked 26-year-old Azerbaijan out for a drink this Friday. Ugh. Let's just hope it was meant platonically."

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

James is a comedian, writer and actor from Toronto. He’s written for This Hour Has 22 Minutes (CBC), This is That (CBC), Because News (CBC) and The National Post. James has appeared on shows like Spun Out (CTV), That’s So Weird (YTV), Funny As Hell (HBO Canada), Cupcake and Dinosaur (Netflix) and Kody Kapow (Sprout). He’s had comedy shorts featured on Tosh.0 (Comedy Central), and he’s performed at Just For Laughs, Sled Island (Calgary) and San Francisco Sketchfest.

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